I have a good unemployment joke but not telling it yet, it still needs work.

I never undress a woman with my eyes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to unfasten a bra clasp that way?

There is a secret society of sex workers called the Illuminaughty.

I pledge to work tirelessly until I find the people who stole my tires.

There's always that one duck who makes human lips in every photo.

I used to have a really strong password, but I had to change it when I found out that some volcano in Iceland had the same letters.

Emo girls dot their i's with little broken hearts.

so Crystal Pepsi was a flop.. why don't they try Murky Sprite?

I got from my old place to my new place on public transit. I guess I bussed a move.

Filming myself favoriting @aplusk's tweets so I can say I made a movie starring Ashton Kutcher

Me? Oh, nothing. Just bedazzling my life preserver. Now it's flambuoyant!

I have four flat pairs of khakis, but I pleat the fifth.

Hipsters are really into the Chilean miners, because they're still underground.

Kinda weird how the Huey and Luey decimal systems never really caught on.

Lindsay Lohan: there's a meth to her madness!

Thank you.. I'll be here all tweak.

I wonder how the artificial flavoring companies keep their books. They say there's no accounting for taste, so they must use something else.

Getting frustrated. My passive aggressive sighing has already set off two car alarms.

The trick to a long life? Stay in school. Everyone knows pupils dilate.

Mrs. Potato Head is a hollow back girl.

"You're a unit of power, Harry."

"I'm a watt?"