Grandma the only reason I am naked right now is because the shit I just took was too intense for clothes.

For my left hand's birthday I'm going to let him give me anal, I'm a bit nervous but he's been so respectful and I think I'm ready.

A couple days ago I broke ten stars on two tweets for the first time, and with that I'm signing to a major label and selling out.

If you've ever been star fucked by me I want you to know I'm underage and I'd like you to have a seat at that kitchen table over there.

This spider needs to pay his overdue rent if he's still expecting to live in the left upper corner of my closet behind my laundry hamper.

We're all out of bowls so I have to eat my cereal out of a wine glass like a fucking gentlemen.

There's a very special place in hell reserved for people that open bus windows on cold days.

Hey girl in bra, hoodie and red shorts, I don't want a free iPad.

I swear if I become anymore sensitive I'm going to turn into a really soft piece of toilet paper.

I do a lot of thinking when I'm biting my nails, mostly about how terrible my nail biting habit is.

Sir Allan McNo.

All the classes I have to take won't help me in my future, which is why there should be a class on how to properly open a carton of milk.

I don't urinate in the sink and then flush the toilet to make it seem like I urinated in the toilet.

I'm glad I've never gotten a TotD because that would make me a mainstream sellout, that's my best excuse for sucking so much at this.

Your blanket talks to other blankets and judges you based on how you sleep.

I have a bunch of monkeys in my room and instead of writing Shakespeare they're checking their email and playing solitaire.

I'm really offended that the crossing guard didn't help me cross the road today.

#WhyILoveCanada: I can get into a bar fight and break every bone in my body and only have to worry about paying my tab.

Becel Margarine should come out with a better kind of lid that doesn't slide around in the bathtub and cause all the water to drain out.

I feel insecure about this tweet so can you please just lie and say its okay so I don't delete it and cry.