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If I went to art school, I would get a sweatshirt that says "COLLAGE."
Children are the future. The horrible, horrible future.
Idea: A leather jacket except it's a Fruit Roll-Up.
A firefly got into my house. HE IS NOW MY EVERYTHING.
Duplex neighbor is crying. I'm calmly stroking our shared wall to soothe her but so far it's not helping.
Did Lucy ever splain?
I want to get a trampoline stamp on the small of my backyard.
I've just...I've just gotta go to my Footloose warehouse and dance it out.
If you're determined enough to not do the dishes, you'll find a way to eat a nice plate of cereal.
BOO OUTSIDE! INSIDE NUMBER ONE FOREVER!
"Um, actually it's 'WHOMlu Plus...'"
I thought about going for a jog but then cinnamon rolls.
It's great waking up next to such a beautiful face! (I put a mirror by my pillow.)
I have to stop buying toilet paper based on which has the cutest puppy picture.
Sometimes it's helpful to remind pro-lifers that women are a type of life.
Anybody can die alone, but it takes a real champ to die unloved with no legacy.
Wouldn't it be weird if a paraplegic squirrel pulled itself across your living room floor? Like it's just going to the kitchen or something.
Remember guys, it's super important that you take every tweet seriously and judge me as a person based on each one.
"Oh I totally know what you mean because MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." - How my conversations go
I'm a Jacobish oaf. http://t.co/2PDHBenn
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