The sexiest part of a woman is her mind. Until she speaks it.




Then, it's her tits.

I fuckin hate being annoyed, but I love to talk about how annoyed I am.

Nobody listens to me.-- Yield Sign

have you ever watched someone do something so stupid you wonder how they have stayed alive this long?

Every time I see the billboard for the powerball amount, I feel as if God is reminding me of the fact I will always be #poor

Ladies,

Please continue to put your bare feet/legs up on the dashboard as you ride in the passenger seat.

Thanks,
Truck Drivers

I just got douche chills.

Someone, somewhere, must have said "that's tight, yo".

My super power is the ability to create zero star tweets.

I like how porn stars use words like 'work' or 'shoot' when describing being ass fucked by 2 giant cocks while a goat shits in their mouth.

Today is my son's 4th birthday! He finally reached my maturity level.


His momma is so proud.

If dogs could talk..I wouldn't own one.


Little shits are probably terrible at keeping secrets.

To the makers of one ply toilet paper:

Fuck You.


That is all.

Last time the wife and I had sex and I went to get up, she slapped me on the ass and said "good game".

God, I love that woman!

The amount of liberalism Rachel Maddow exudes directly correlates to the size of her Adam's Apple

Dear #winning,

Why am I still using you?

Regards,
Confused in FLA

Mmmm...

Something, something...asshole sure is sore.

Me thinking of a tweet

In line at Wal-Mart. WTF is that!?!? http://t.co/qOwqPKw

1 year since BP disaster and I still think "tarball" is a racist term

I see the republicans are doing what they do best.

Quitting.

I like to tweet my "lame" stuff in the middle of the day.