My mind is as sharp as...as...what's that thing called? You know. The thing that you use to stick paper to a bulletin board? Yeah. That.

Based on the doc's expression, I probably should have pretended to have a gag reflex when he took that throat culture.

Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is “how do I stop this saxophone solo from playing in my head?”

Be a little more obvious...
I mean oblivious.

Nothing says depression like cheesefries

Cowboys' fans. Think of how you feel about Tony Romo. Now realize that Mark Sanchez is worse. #jetssuckworsethancowboys

Going to bed. Im wasted and im a cowboys fan which means Im a Drunk Loser.

I do a special touchdown dance every time I find the clit.
It's similar to the 'discount double check' but not as gay.

Either I've gained a little holiday weight or my inner child is twins.

Tweets that offend certain people are my favorite ones.

I cannot begin to explain to you how many times a day I want to pause live radio, while I'm in my car. PVR People Problems.

I do big things, but on a really small scale.

I thought there'd be more to life than just waiting for it to be over.

Ordinarily i don't make eye contact.

Bam! Mizdirection!!! Breeders Cup Turf Sprint champion!

I swallow because I’m too lazy to clean up.

I hate my job like an Italian guy hates taking a shower instead of just putting on more cologne.

Me and Hogan stare down  http://lockerz.com/s/253954423 

I used to like you now I think you're a bitch RT @hulkhogan: And I actually thought Spice was cool,Cowhead get ready to bow down ffin.

I love you [insert someone else’s name, just not yours]