Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
My mind is as sharp as...as...what's that thing called? You know. The thing that you use to stick paper to a bulletin board? Yeah. That.
Based on the doc's expression, I probably should have pretended to have a gag reflex when he took that throat culture.
Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is “how do I stop this saxophone solo from playing in my head?”
Be a little more obvious...
I mean oblivious.
Nothing says depression like cheesefries
Going to bed. Im wasted and im a cowboys fan which means Im a Drunk Loser.
I do a special touchdown dance every time I find the clit.
It's similar to the 'discount double check' but not as gay.
Either I've gained a little holiday weight or my inner child is twins.
Tweets that offend certain people are my favorite ones.
I cannot begin to explain to you how many times a day I want to pause live radio, while I'm in my car. PVR People Problems.
I do big things, but on a really small scale.
I thought there'd be more to life than just waiting for it to be over.
Ordinarily i don't make eye contact.
Bam! Mizdirection!!! Breeders Cup Turf Sprint champion!
I swallow because I’m too lazy to clean up.
I hate my job like an Italian guy hates taking a shower instead of just putting on more cologne.
I love you [insert someone else’s name, just not yours]
I am the Angel of Def with my rhymes against humanity