Guy at bar watching basketball: "Who watches hockey?!" Maybe guys who like real sports you pussy! #BecauseItsTheCup

A wink from a cute chick #GetsMeEveryTime

#LiesMenTellWomen I love you.

I hate having to explain to someone that if they withhold information from me I will lock their ass up. #copproblems become #yourproblems

This is my buddy, Bosco. http://t.co/Wi8W5LN0

The bar stools at Buffalos couldnt be more uncomfortable if they covered them with broken glass and glued a giant dildo right in the middle!

#thisiswhyyouaresingle I get told that a lot.

I love when a kid comes up to me and tells me he wants to be a cop when he grows up....and his mom is hot. #RoleModel

#YouCuteAndAllBut you have kids.

#BeTheManWho knows how to use a gun. Even if you don't like them the bad guys have them & bullets trump strong anti-gun sentiment everytime.

#BeTheManWho takes responsibility for his actions. Stop blaming others for what YOU did.

#BeTheManWho stands up for the weak, elderly, abused, & mistreated.

Work in 5 hours. #insomnia

#MyMomTaughtMe how to act in public. Pretty rare these days.

Ok guys if your teacher has sex with you, you do not, I repeat do not, rat her out! Where were these teachers when I was in school?!

#TwoThingsIWant Kate Upton & a sammich.

Just found out the bartender is an ex-porn "star". Really concerned about the beer to AIDS ratio of my drink right now. #

Midnight premiere of The Avengers. I feel like me & my bro are Leonard & Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory! Lol
#BigBangTheory #Avengers