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Guy at bar watching basketball: "Who watches hockey?!" Maybe guys who like real sports you pussy! #BecauseItsTheCup
A wink from a cute chick #GetsMeEveryTime
#LiesMenTellWomen I love you.
I hate having to explain to someone that if they withhold information from me I will lock their ass up. #copproblems become #yourproblems
The bar stools at Buffalos couldnt be more uncomfortable if they covered them with broken glass and glued a giant dildo right in the middle!
#thisiswhyyouaresingle I get told that a lot.
I love when a kid comes up to me and tells me he wants to be a cop when he grows up....and his mom is hot. #RoleModel
#YouCuteAndAllBut you have kids.
#BeTheManWho knows how to use a gun. Even if you don't like them the bad guys have them & bullets trump strong anti-gun sentiment everytime.
#BeTheManWho takes responsibility for his actions. Stop blaming others for what YOU did.
#BeTheManWho stands up for the weak, elderly, abused, & mistreated.
Work in 5 hours. #insomnia
#MyMomTaughtMe how to act in public. Pretty rare these days.
Ok guys if your teacher has sex with you, you do not, I repeat do not, rat her out! Where were these teachers when I was in school?!
#TwoThingsIWant Kate Upton & a sammich.
Just found out the bartender is an ex-porn "star". Really concerned about the beer to AIDS ratio of my drink right now. #
Midnight premiere of The Avengers. I feel like me & my bro are Leonard & Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory! Lol