One of the very best things about free speech is that it gives the assholes an opportunity to self-identify.

If I have to watch one more story about the dangers of texting while driving I swear I'm going to rip this TV out of the dashboard.

Typed “hot diggity dog” and it autocorrected to “hot dignity dog.”

Yeah, sure. Why not?

HOT DIGNITY DOG.

Yes, of course, surveyor's symbols. Because Palin is nothing if not a noted cartographer.

Too bad Christopher Hitchens isn't available to write a scathing essay on the current overwrought hero worship of Christopher Hitchens.

Things I actually say: "I don't have to actually know people to dislike them."

Can someone explain sleeveless turtlenecks to me? Be prepared to show your work.

Bumper sticker: "STOP BITCHING. START A REVOLUTION."

But I am really good at bitching, see, so I should probably stick with my strengths.

This Midol is only three months past the expiration date so I should only see three unicorns. That's how it works, right?

I am filled with regret.










And Chicken McNuggets.

Eavesdropping on breakfast date. Key phrase uttered repeatedly: "Oh, yeah! I remember reading that in your profile."

I have done something so completely out of character for me that I don't even know the best way to properly fret about it.

ANTM model on dress made of hair: “When else do you get to wear real hair all over your body?”

Me: “ALL THE TIME! YOU’RE A MAMMAL!”

I...was taken by a nap.

SO SORRY MY DEPRESSION IS INCONVENIENT.

HELL, YEAH! I'm wearing my sunglasses indoors because I am BAD-ASS ROCK STAR!

With a migraine.

*Busily weaving a tapestry of profanity that will hang over northern Virginia for weeks to come.*

Somehow managed to tangle up headphones, cardigan, and badge in a knot that may permanently bind me to my desk. What a terrible way to die.

Mascara smudge looked just enough like a teardrop tattoo that I considered leaving it. Good morning, coworkers! Hey! What? Come back!

Sign: "Obama will help keep our children stupid." You just insulted your own kids, dumbass. Obama's got nothing on your mastery of stupid.