Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

You'd think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Point. Wink. Shoot finger gun. Blow smoke from tip of finger gun. Wipe prints off finger gun. Bury finger gun where no one can find it.

"I hate hashtags!" Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

If you're a cop and you've never used the phrase "show's over, nothing to see here" I question why you even became one in the first place.

Spiders wouldn't strut around so cocky all the time if they didn't scare intelligent beings a hundred thousand times their size.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

When I walk my dog and people tell me she's cute I say "thanks". Hope they don't find out I really had nothing to do with that.

Just once I'd like to see a pizza commercial where there's a haze of smoke in the living room.

When a bear gives another bear a really weak embrace they call it a human hug.

Nice try, pro wrestlers who think they can produce a movie performance more captivating than Andre The Giant in The Princess Bride.

If Tom Cruise became a bum and screamed "I want the truth!" I'd like to think a nearby Jack Nicholson would yell "You panhandle the truth!"

Stonehenge is the remains of Fred Flintstone's house. Case closed.

I didn't put that plastic rectangle on the conveyor belt to separate my groceries. I want to buy it.

Wonder which part of Batman's belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

"Look man, I don't want any trouble," I said to the aggressive Toys R Us salesman after his third attempt to sell me the Trouble board game.

The worst part of Aquaman's day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.