I think your wife is cheating on us.

Why the search box is always right fucking next to the tweet/post box? I already posted 6 of my exgirlfriend's names on facebook today.

Don't tell me I don't know what hard work is. I've seen a lot of people doing it!

Only 4 people in the world think you're beautiful: your parents, James Blunt and Christina Aguilera.

France announced the withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. They're bringing all 5 of them.

Which is the singular of feces? I need it for a love letter.

You know you're way too distracted when you start shaking your penis before you finish peeing.

Due to the crisis, a picture now is worth only 750 words.

I asked my doctor "do you think I'm healthy?", and he answered "I'm not gonna lie to you..." and he walked away

My ability to solve problems is only surpassed by my ability to fuck things up.

On Twitter you get to know people's souls. On Facebook, you get to know who they sold it to.

One of the things I like the most is self esteem. I meant lack

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. There's also John Lennon.

Some of the favs I give you are compliments for your hotness and not in any way related to your tweeting abilities, even if you have them

If I could choose a superpower it would be being able to, occasionally, change Monday into Sunday. And by occasionally I mean always.

Women are like quantum mechanics: if you think you understand them; you don't

I'm gonna have to kill my pillow. It knows too much. I will smother it with a new one.

you had me at blah blah blah.

I fuck, ergo I exist. I don't fuck, ergo I insist.

People at the airport not using their smartphones are creepy and they make me uncomfortable. Are they actually thinking about something?