I prefer to be the big spoon, because stop fucking breathing on me.

Drinking wine in a bubble bath is relaxing but drinking rum in the shower is "weird" and "sad"? Whatever, mom.

At my last job I spent 74% of my time trying to prevent myself from adding "you dumb bitch" to the end of every sentence.

My biggest fear is my husband seeing the filthy porn I watch and thinking I want to try any of it.

Do my daddy issues make this outfit look slutty?

Hey people who can afford vacations: what the fuck?

Ke$ha says she fucked a ghost so I'm no longer confident that heaven doesn't have chlamydia.

Turns out I'm physically unable to be introduced to someone & not tell them about the most recent time I peed my pants.

Probably just gonna give everyone breast milk for Christmas.

My husband doesn't think I'm funny but he still likes me because blowjobs.

I've met my mother-in-law once ever, in case you were wondering who here is winning at marriage.

"Dry clean only" is Italian for "febreeze the shit out of your clothes and learn to accept stains".

Pretty sure there is a special place in hell for people who feed their dogs a vegan diet.

Reason #7384 that my life should be a condom ad: the kid and I are on our third movie of the day. It's 7:10 am.

Kimmy Gibler was the first girl at her high school to do butt stuff.

"People with heart conditions cant shotgun 4-packs of Red Bull" - something my mom & my doctor didn't expect to have to explain, apparently.

Parenting tip: leave various safety hazards lying around your house as intelligence tests to weed out your kid's stupid friends.

All I'm saying is if a guy pulled the shit that goldilocks did his ass would be in jail.

If you're going to refuse to cut the crusts off a sandwich or let your kids lick the beaters maybe you should've just given birth to adults.

Three year olds are fucking terrible at hide & seek.