Going from facebook addiction to twitter addiction is like graduating from Red Bull to crystal meth.

Sorry, but if you are more than 30 yrs older than your boyfriend, you are no longer a cougar, you are a sabre-toothed tiger

6 yo told me Bieber is her Elvis so I did what any caring mother would do.
Locked her in the basement and forced her to listen to The Clash.

Favstar is where every former class clown EVER gets together for a giant circle jerk of validation.

I love twitter. This is the only place on earth that a funny, nerdy, smart chick can be rewarded for acting like a total whore.

The funnest part of drinking a new brand of energy drink is guessing what color your pee will be.

I have given up on finding Prince Charming. I'll settle for a guy who is comfortable with putting his tongue in my butthole.

To the person who just rear-ended the car in front of him while leaning out the window to inform me I have big boobs-I salute thee.

If that old myth about losing part of your soul every time someone takes your picture is true, my fb friend's new baby is totally fucked.

I wanted to read my boyfriend my tweets and he said 'I don't care about your tweets', in related news his testicles make lovely earrings.

My followers can beat up your followers.

My man said he was going to give me the fucking of a lifetime, so I guess I'll be back in 5 minutes.

I just sang 'I will always love you' at my sobbing 6 yo's Sea Monkey funeral and kept a straight face. I am officially mother of the year.

Help control the asshole population. Please have your ex spayed or neutered.

The only thing I miss about being a heroin addict is how skinny I was. Today is 20 months clean. Hooray for me!

I am offering free blowjobs for all who star this tweet. Go!

I act the same way on twitter as I do at a party. I show up, drink entirely too much, scream a bunch of nonsense, & leave abruptly.

Robert Frost said, "Good fences make good neighbors." My next door neighbor put one up today on the property line and he's still an asshole.

I used to have to wait for Maury to come on to see the worst of humanity, now all I have to do is log into twitter.

Every time I tweet something and realize it is suitable for FB, a little piece of my soul dies.