A modest DST proposal: Change the clocks at 2 pm on a Monday, thereby making Monday shorter and losing an hour of work instead of sleep.

Quick, everyone, there's something to overreact to on the Internet. No time to think, just BE ANGRY.

My theory: Blackberries are down because RIM's techs keep using all the computers to update their iPhones to iOS5.

TBO guy is telling us readers like to review things. Duh. Ever heard of Angie's list?

Freedom of speech means you can say what you want, not that no one can call you an asshole for saying it.

Had trouble finding scissors. Surprisingly, walking around the house making a cutting motion with my first two fingers didn't help.

Forgetting that it's Administrative Professionals Day. Like a boss.

When you hit block, there should be a much more satisfying screen. Perhaps it could explode the person's avatar?

Saw two people so absorbed in their phones they ran into each other. Then I nearly ran into a table tweeting it. So, yeah, social commentary

If I had to stop buying from every company whose business practices I disapproved of, I would be naked, homeless and internet-less.

Charge: Flagrant overuse of the em-dash
Plea: Guilty as charged
Sentence: Restricted to semi-colons only for six months

Best part about wearing red pants: All the looks you get from people, thinking "Who is that asshole in the red pants?"

I'm really considering giving up caffeine, but I don't know what to replace it with. How does the blood of people who anger you taste?

Romney is for gender equality. Except in the USA, where he won’t protect equal pay or a woman’s right to choose.

The 7-foot violet rabbit keeps saying I've had too much caffeine, but he's the one who keeps making espresso.

Just saw a couple with matching "Prayer, the greatest wireless connection." shirts. I guess they haven't gotten an Airport Extreme yet.

Why do I buy lottery tickets when I could do something more productive with that money, like sticking it up my nose to make walrus tusks?

I wish my life were a movie, mostly because I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of really cool montages.

That's odd. I looked at the nutrition info on this packet of Zingers and all it says for calories is "You don't want to know, fatty."

No, officer, I wasn't being reckless. I was trying to outrun velocitaptors.