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They don't serve panda at Panda Express, so don't even bother.
Real men don’t attend funerals. They watch them from afar, while sitting on a motorcycle.
1,000 people having fun at an amusement park sounds the same as 1,000 people getting slaughtered at an amusement park.
I always grin & approvingly raise my eyebrows repeatedly at a pretty woman when she makes eye contact with me. Lifetime success rate: 0%.
I think walking into a strangers fart & getting raped in jail are probably comparable experiences.
Starring someone's tweets that you don't follow is like banging a friend that you won't date.
As I tweet that I just caught a hot girl picking a wedgie, a hot girl is tweeting that she just caught a loser with a boner staring at her.
Everytime someone tells me,"next time," I say, "there won't be a next time." Then I throw a smoke bomb on the ground & run away.
Attempting to get out of a speeding ticket by offering to go down on a female cop doesn't work. #backseatofacopcartweet
Shouldn't dogs be picking up our shit?
It should be mandatory for politicians to be poor.
If you're going to wear a do-rag, people are going to treat you like you're wearing a do-rag.
I always knew Gary Coleman would die someday. Call it crazy, but I always knew.
Without her makeup on, any woman can look like she churns butter for a living.
I learned to fight by watching Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. So, if we get into a fight, just stand there & don't swing at me.
I don't need those newfangled Trojan® Fire & Ice® condoms to help enhance my sensual pleasure during sex; I need a woman for that.
I can't develop washboard abs overnight, so I'm just gonna eat these two Whopper Juniors.
I dream of a world where undershirts are no longer called wife-beaters, but instead called wife-caressers. That's the world I wanna live in.
Writer for SNL Latino. Bring me your dreams that I might crush them.