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My last girlfriend once described my penis as a "benign lump." "Benign" is good, right?
The call is coming from inside the blouse! [uses this excuse to reach into your blouse to feel up breasts]
I'm not a TD Bank customer, unless you count using their 24-hour ATM lobbies to help myself to free pens every now & then.
Quick question: "Dry-Fit" describes athletic socks or anal sex?
Girl, I'm like the IRS, & your ass is like a Tea Party organization applying for tax-exempt status... I just gotta scrutinize it!
If you put a piece of shit on your head, you'll have a piece of shit hat.
My Life Coach just cut me from the team :(
When people tell me they don't eat Wendy's I react the same way a stoner does when people tell him they don't smoke weed.
Leave some teeth for the rest of us, Julianne Moore.
Cops are always like, "Hey! Look at me! I'm so cool 'cuz I'm a douche who drives while talking on my cellphone & I take red lights!"
Sext: I just bought "Oscar" on blu-ray for $3.99 at Target.
My life is so shitty I tried to flush it down the toilet, but it clogged it.
Bring me your dreams that I might crush them.