Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
But, if I get out of my parked car I'll have to deal with my life.
The proof is in the pudding... but I ate the pudding.
Told a bum I'd have change after coming out of Shoprite, but forgot I was paying with debit. Now I gotta leave through the loading dock.
I keep steadily losing followers. My BM tweets must be working. Soon I'll have only followers that appreciate caca-peepee jokes! Mwahahaha!
How many calories does sitting in my car at my gym's parking lot while playing Candy Crush burn?
We're finished with Crocs® tweets, yes?
I'm miserable, undersexed, & broke... I might as well be married.
I'm definitely the artsy-fartsy type... especially the fartsy part.
I call my penis "the pension fund" 'cuz it ain't enough for you :(
I think I look silly in suits; especially in my birthday suit.
Writer for SNL Latino. Bring me your dreams that I might crush them.