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My last girlfriend once described my penis as a "benign lump." "Benign" is good, right?
@shiraselko I don't know about must sees, but I kindly request you vandalize a restroom stall at that truck stop with my Twitter handle :P
The call is coming from inside the blouse! [uses this excuse to reach into your blouse to feel up breasts]
@illtortuga When Dog is playing his wife, he puts a red bow on his head.
I'm not a TD Bank customer, unless you count using their 24-hour ATM lobbies to help myself to free pens every now & then.
Girl, I'm like the IRS, & your ass is like a Tea Party organization applying for tax-exempt status... I just gotta scrutinize it!
If you put a piece of shit on your head, you'll have a piece of shit hat.
@robdelaney You were supposed to say, "Cheese!" instead of, "Wizard Poo."
When people tell me they don't eat Wendy's I react the same way a stoner does when people tell him they don't smoke weed.
Cops are always like, "Hey! Look at me! I'm so cool 'cuz I'm a douche who drives while talking on my cellphone & I take red lights!"
@bradleyochoa I remember those! They're called Good Luck trolls & they were popular in the 90s.
My life is so shitty I tried to flush it down the toilet, but it clogged it.
Bring me your dreams that I might crush them.
