It's simple. Proper handshakes should replicate the tightness of a vagina you'd like to fuck.

If Cinnamon Toast Crunch had a dick, I'd marry it.

Women are like bowling balls; easier to control with your fingers inserted.

According to Grandpa, "True love means she'll change the locks on you at least once."

If I have to use a spork, it's not a date.

It doesn't matter how young your man is; his balls will always look 110 years old.

Wait, I'm confused. Shouldn't Hello Kitty pajamas be crotchless?

The world would be a better place if random animal sounds occurred when women rolled their eyes.

If I had a penis, I'd probably estimate the square footage of a woman's mouth when she yawns too.

Glitter on her fingernails means you've got an 80% chance of getting inside her butthole.

I'd rather lose a finger than show an old person how to use a computer.

If the tv remote vibrated, I'd never lose it again.

Never trust a man who masturbates with his pinky up.

If you look closely, some people actually resemble a broken condom or a forgotten birth control pill.

Put a french kiss in my pants.

As a woman, sneezing without covering my mouth is as close as I'll ever get to blowing my load on someone.

Insomnia is your body's way of asking for an orgasm.

Anxiety is like a fat friend who won't stop sitting on you.

Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

When a woman puts on a low cut shirt she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.