"Pew pew!" is laser for "Bang Bang!"

MY VOICEMAIL: "Leave a message motherfucka'."

MY GRANDMA'S MESSAGE: "Um. Call your grandmotherfucker, potty mouth. And go to church."

My dress is not revealing. Its informative.

Glitter is made from all the lost dreams of strippers.

It doesn't matter how hard you think you are. When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it.

Check off 'Getting kicked out of Olive Garden" from the bucket list.

LADY BEHIND DONUT COUNTER: "How many you want?"
ME: "Fuckloads."

LADY BEHIND DONUT COUNTER: [blank stare]

ME: "A dozen should do it."

The grown up version of Tetris is loading a full dishwasher.

Guy in elevator used speaker phone to talk lovey dovey w/his wife so I interupted with "Baby. You're so naughty" & a giggle. Problem solved.

I drive like I fuck; Aggressive, foul mouthed and if you hit me in the rear you can consider yourself dead.

If you don't have to clear the browser history you aren't using the internet correctly.

My snooze button likes it rough.

Just once I'd like to see a stick figure woman decal on the back window of a car, next to 18 stick figure cats.

People only say, "Everything will be alright." because "You're so fucked." sounds a little harsh.

I think I'm experiencing restless vagina syndrome.

I may hit like a girl but I fuck like a woman.

When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, "Ladies first" it really means "Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks."

Do they make Hugh Jackman finger puppets? If so I need 10. And some privacy.

Shook my water bottle without noticing the cap was off. It just got all Flash Dancey up in here.

You don't crack knuckles before a handjob for warm up.

You crack knuckles before a handjob to see the terrified expression on his face.