I like meals that are labeled "Healthy Choice" so I know that they're good for me. Sometimes wish men would have similar labels.

I can pretty much guarantee that I'll never retweet anything that ends with "retweet if you agree!"

If anyone could come up w/ one good reason that I'm not on a beach, I would punch them in the throat, because it wouldn't be a good reason.

I'm least likely to judge others on the day I blast out a month's worth of lunch crumbs from my keyboard with a can of air.

Why, when the person you're looking for isn't here, does your plan of action include sitting on my couch and staring at me?

The unbridled rage of the Incredible Hulk pales in comparison to my reaction upon knocking over my paper clip cup at my desk.

K just called it the "Heimlich Remover" in a would be intelligent conversation, so my day has been made.

I only pretended to like Seal because he and Heidi seemed to have such a cute marriage, but now I've gone back to thinking he's a weirdo.

A funny thing to do when people need to pay a bill is to say that they should make the check out to you. Kidding. K should stop that crap.

Tori Spelling just announced her pregnancy, and I'm pretty sure she'll give birth before Jessica Simpson does.

If you meet a man who makes you rethink all you ever thought you'd do for love, he's either The One or a psycho, so have fun deciding which.

If I ever make it in Hollywood, I'm going to make a movie where a new dad uses duct tape to get a diaper to stay on b/c that is comic GOLD.

My office suddenly smells like a Taco Bell, and not in the good way.

(There's not a good way.)

I'm pretty sure that I get more nervous when passing a cop on the street than any actual criminal ever has.

I'm starting to doubt everything Hollywood has ever taught me about finding love on a cross-country flight.

I suspect if I really were a plumber, riding a kart around a giant turtle hybrid's castle, I wouldn't be quite so cavalier with my steering.

I've been waiting for the Peyton announcement forever, too, but now that we know, can we refocus on the Cowboys winning tonight? #gopokes

It's not that I don't like tattoos, I just don't like YOUR tattoo. Or you.

If I ever get married, he'll have to be way better than all of my friends' husbands so I look like a genius for holding out so long.

My Twitter crush doesn't use Twitter, so technically he's just a crush, and I'm just old school.