I don't get the twitter crushes because in my mind you are all funny hairy old men who never bathe or work.

If people tell you good morning just so you don't kill them when you finally bring a gun to work, I probably have a crush on you already.

Whenever you expect nothing, you get everything you wanted.

Why do people need multiple twitter accounts? I don't get it...

If you're not afraid to sing along in the car while they're with you, it's love.

Lent is coming so tell me what you're giving up so I can eat/do it in front of you as much as possible.

I'm breaking up with the sun. I hate it.

200 followers! I am SO lame!

It's so nice to not be faking my smile anymore :)

"I'm just getting over the flu" and then coughing? Get the fuck away from me immediately. Jerk.

People who think I care about what they did this weekend are so cute.

That wasn't very classy, but it is pretty funny.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yaaaa ninjas!!!! http://t.co/8Xa6hnAQ

Robots seem awesome, until you become one.

Solar flare... mess up my GPS all you want but I'll kill you if you fuck with my phone!

Asshole drivers with Jesus stickers on their car, good job.

I can't think of one good reason to buy fried chicken from a gas station.

I will never understand why someone stands so close to me in an empty elevator. You can stand away from me
and still talk to me. Thanks pal.

If you get rid of everything, it never happened :)

Mother fuck! Me and my tricky veins. If she poked me one more time, ooooy oy oy. Where's my lollipop, bitch?