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@jas508's (Julie) most faved Tweets...
jas508
The grave of Karl Marx. Pffft! That's just another Communist plot.
@jas508
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jas508
Every time my dog pees on a fire hydrant, I'm like "Really? You going with that tired old cliche again?"
@jas508
jas508
My 8 y/o on cleavage: "It looks gross to have her boobs all pushed up and out like that. It looks like a butt coming out of her shirt".
@jas508
jas508
Gnats. They drive me gnuts.
@jas508
jas508
The second I see any gray hairs, I am just gonna dye.
@jas508
jas508
The days of good grammar has went.
@jas508
jas508
You may have noticed that I don't make fart and poop jokes. Allow me to explain. You see, I am a woman, and as such, neither fart nor poop.
@jas508
jas508
I declare today to be meme-free hashtag-free day.
#bestideaever
Damn.
@jas508
jas508
A friend of mine was a victim of identity theft...at least I think it's him.
@jas508
jas508
Strategy for today: Regardless of what people say to me, respond with "Heeeeeey, easy tiger!"
@jas508
jas508
Every woman who has emerged unscathed from scary situations from drinking would agree that Hallmark needs a "thanks for not raping me" card.
@jas508
jas508
I have mice in the house but they are SO lame. They're crappy tailors and they hardly ever sing.
@jas508
jas508
Here's an idea: end all phone conversations with "uh-oh-there's a cop-gotta go- bye" *click*
@jas508
jas508
Don't remember much from high school lit., but I'm pretty sure one of Dante's circles of Hell involved being on the phone with Travelocity.
@jas508
jas508
Hey you guys! My bills are so pretty! They're starting to show up in pink and green!
@jas508
jas508
As I was being felt up & patted down by the 400 lb "lady" airport security person, I glanced at my bfriend who announced "WORST.PORNO.EVER"
@jas508
jas508
1st thought: My gawd, my breath could slay a dragon!
2nd thought: Gonna tweet that
3rd thought: I'm so lame
4th thought: Tweet it anyway
@jas508
jas508
A half hour waiting for barbecue feels like an eternity. A half hour EATING barbecue feels like a minute. THAT'S what Einstein meant.
@jas508
jas508
It is understood here that me getting coffee in the morning is equivalent to adjusting my own oxygen mask before assisting others.
@jas508
jas508
I just heard a bunch of chickpeas were killed in a mass hummus-cide.
@jas508
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