Man, I keep writing "Kim Jong Il is still alive" on all my checks. :(

The days of good grammar has went.

The grave of Karl Marx. Pffft! That's just another Communist plot.

I don't know, guys. Eating this dog hair is making my hangover feel WORSE.

Every time my dog pees on a fire hydrant, I'm like "Really? You going with that tired old cliche again?"

My 8 y/o on cleavage: "It looks gross to have her boobs all pushed up and out like that. It looks like a butt coming out of her shirt".

Being a mother means you never have to pee alone.

GET MARRIED TO STOP STREET VIOLENCE BUT NOT IF YOU'RE GAY.
#Debates

The second I see any gray hairs, I am just gonna dye.

Every woman who has emerged unscathed from scary situations from drinking would agree that Hallmark needs a "thanks for not raping me" card.

Gnats. They drive me gnuts.

As I was being felt up & patted down by the 400 lb "lady" airport security person, I glanced at my bfriend who announced "WORST.PORNO.EVER"

You may have noticed that I don't make fart and poop jokes. Allow me to explain. You see, I am a woman, and as such, neither fart nor poop.

Here's an idea: end all phone conversations with "uh-oh-there's a cop-gotta go- bye" *click*

It is understood here that me getting coffee in the morning is equivalent to adjusting my own oxygen mask before assisting others.

A friend of mine was a victim of identity theft...at least I think it's him.

I wonder if Jesus likes country music as much as they think He does.

I have mice in the house but they are SO lame. They're crappy tailors and they hardly ever sing.

Hey you guys! My bills are so pretty! They're starting to show up in pink and green!

1st thought: My gawd, my breath could slay a dragon!
2nd thought: Gonna tweet that
3rd thought: I'm so lame
4th thought: Tweet it anyway