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Man, I keep writing "Kim Jong Il is still alive" on all my checks. :(
The days of good grammar has went.
I don't know, guys. Eating this dog hair is making my hangover feel WORSE.
The grave of Karl Marx. Pffft! That's just another Communist plot.
I wonder if Jesus likes country music as much as they think He does.
Dear Chris Brown's publicist,
UGH, Mondays, amirite?
These chicks are "too fake looking" for Rob Kardashian. Just let that sink in. Just...sit with that.
"She's was attacking me with a fork. A small fork. I think it was for shrimp. She must have stolen it from a buffet"- C. Sheen, on abuse
There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.
If my dog could talk she'd say "Stop anthropomorphizing me."
We will try not to fuck this up today.
Being a mother means you never have to pee alone.
Margaret Thatcher was alive?
They're evacuating Lower Manhattan which is a problem bc New Yorkers don't have any friends who live outside of NYC.
As I was being felt up & patted down by the 400 lb "lady" airport security person, I glanced at my bfriend who announced "WORST.PORNO.EVER"
Every woman who has emerged unscathed from scary situations from drinking would agree that Hallmark needs a "thanks for not raping me" card.