Man, I keep writing "Kim Jong Il is still alive" on all my checks. :(

GET MARRIED TO STOP STREET VIOLENCE BUT NOT IF YOU'RE GAY.
#Debates

The days of good grammar has went.

I don't know, guys. Eating this dog hair is making my hangover feel WORSE.

The grave of Karl Marx. Pffft! That's just another Communist plot.

I wonder if Jesus likes country music as much as they think He does.

Dear Chris Brown's publicist,
UGH, Mondays, amirite?

PERFECT. RT“@rationalists: It didn't take long for Charlie Sheen to become the Lindsay Lohan of Mel Gibsons”

These chicks are "too fake looking" for Rob Kardashian. Just let that sink in. Just...sit with that.
#MissUSA

"She's was attacking me with a fork. A small fork. I think it was for shrimp. She must have stolen it from a buffet"- C. Sheen, on abuse

There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

If my dog could talk she'd say "Stop anthropomorphizing me."

Dear World,
We will try not to fuck this up today.
Sincerely,
America

Being a mother means you never have to pee alone.

Margaret Thatcher was alive?

They're evacuating Lower Manhattan which is a problem bc New Yorkers don't have any friends who live outside of NYC.

Dear Gadhafi,
UGH. Mondays!
Right?

This is important. pic.twitter.com/1BFaRc7c

As I was being felt up & patted down by the 400 lb "lady" airport security person, I glanced at my bfriend who announced "WORST.PORNO.EVER"

Every woman who has emerged unscathed from scary situations from drinking would agree that Hallmark needs a "thanks for not raping me" card.