President Obama,
You have something up your sleeve, right? We need a hint.

Sincerely,
Everyone

Just saw a woman lick her finger to change the page on her Kindle

I can still hear Chris Christie breathing after I turn off the TV

Sneezing is the body's way of reminding us how ridiculous we are.

"whichever way takes the longest" -- how a child chooses to get out of a car

THERE ARE TOO MANY KINDS OF LETTUCE.

"How about Bone Thugs?" "It's ok I guess, but what about our beautiful harmonies?"

Ham, cheese, mushrooms, and the vulnerability of a child - The John Denver Omelette

Eggplant: “Hey, can I get a tiny purple pumpkin in the shape of a human kidney that tastes like dirt?”

Sarah Palin is a total MILK (Mom I'd like to kill)

Newspaper headlines beginning with "Florida man…" never end well.

Writing tips:
1. Change the font
2. Take a nap.

Please tell me somewhere there's a hipster lesbian bar called Pabst Smear.

I want my children to listen to me just enough so that I don't get frustrated, but not enough that I lose respect for them.

Is gluten the same thing as HIV?

Life is the process of slowly losing your ability to turn down food.

Having children is the most frustrating, exhausting and completely unregrettable thing I've ever done.

I'm very indoorsy

What did people do with their terrible opinions before the Internet?

Why do I feel like I've just been released from a POW camp when my kids go to bed?