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You have something up your sleeve, right? We need a hint.
Just saw a woman lick her finger to change the page on her Kindle
I can still hear Chris Christie breathing after I turn off the TV
Sneezing is the body's way of reminding us how ridiculous we are.
"whichever way takes the longest" -- how a child chooses to get out of a car
THERE ARE TOO MANY KINDS OF LETTUCE.
4pm: A kid at the playground still has his pajamas on. Must have been a rough morning. Pick your battles.
Update: No one cares that you're thinking of deleting your Facebook account.
"How about Bone Thugs?" "It's ok I guess, but what about our beautiful harmonies?"
Ham, cheese, mushrooms, and the vulnerability of a child - The John Denver Omelette
Eggplant: “Hey, can I get a tiny purple pumpkin in the shape of a human kidney that tastes like dirt?”
Sarah Palin is a total MILK (Mom I'd like to kill)
Newspaper headlines beginning with "Florida man…" never end well.
My 4 year-old son invented the word, "Whobody." Whobody wants pancakes?! Clearly we should all follow his lead.
Watching my kid sit completely still while getting his face painted made me realize he's been full of shit his whole life.
1. Change the font
2. Take a nap.
Please tell me somewhere there's a hipster lesbian bar called Pabst Smear.
I want my children to listen to me just enough so that I don't get frustrated, but not enough that I lose respect for them.
Life is the process of slowly losing your ability to turn down food.
Writing tip: when someone asks you, "How's the writing going," send them a screenshot of how far you've gotten in Candy Crush.
Comedian and Writer. I've written a couple books that are coming out next year. Read some stuff at http://t.co/eKPnKpuA9S or at http://t.co/9JTNYJbEaC