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I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
Trump is just every other GOP candidate after three or four drinks.
Just told everyone in the restaurant to shut the fuck up so my date could get the full effect of me opening my Velcro wallet.
If your 5-year-old hasn't already invented a technology that redefines how we consume media, you can gently place him in the garbage.
For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.
I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.
Most yogurt places will let you fill a CPR torso you bring from home.
My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.
[sax solo between the previous and next tweet in your feed]
An Uber driver would have to make me wait 20 minutes while he torched a maternity ward for me to give him anything less than 5 stars.
Your Uber is 2 minutes away.
Your Uber is arriving now.
Your Uber is upon you.
Nothing remains but Uber.
If you can't handle me at my worst, wait till you find out there is no best.
Sometimes I wonder what extra would play me in a movie about my life.
Before I take my middle seat, I always say to the other two passengers, "SORRY IF YOU ASSHOLES WANTED TO HOLD HANDS!"
I feel weird gawking at car crashes, so I just walk around the wreckage like I'm looking for my Frisbee.
Former senior editor @theonion, @edgetv. Former writer/producer, @adultswim; New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Books: Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.
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