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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."

    • 945
    • FAVS
    Kyle_Lippertcreechnastyamyfill_croger5audipennyamylou126pussytoothlosermonkey
    • 519
    • RETWEETS
    danamayer94rona65YOvinny204MaxClyde_LeonHWolfOfficialCallumWsgberghoffYourmomisdirty
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.

    • 1,018
    • FAVS
    Ms61222meganlynn94cogentanalysisChillMoonsmeagolsfreeemmyblotnickPlaying_Dadjohntoconnor
    • 309
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsgabereberlanyardiganBeamishBoiDBwiddaDBKrazykurtKurtjestcoastshannan_obb
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.

    • 772
    • FAVS
    IsaacDeitzDirectingTitanLaurieDuvall3CLOheadUDSsiddo471carlykenmkesquireaconstantcough
    • 334
    • RETWEETS
    annamadebees_wingzDanBurtlibsnydsUnreal_1Cee_SarcasmchrisreidradioLindsSBS
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

    • 585
    • FAVS
    Ms61222erica_rosiepdxapproxdoingqigongTheMongoose69hurlarioushilarynranieriChaseMit
    • 195
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222pdxapproxJoeTrumpsKrazykurtKurtalexjmannzombie_sexpeegritsmadelinebilis
    JuliaEveHays
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

    • 428
    • FAVS
    Ms61222MrsFoulmouthManateeJackMidgetspardanceaverydancenosoyasiaticatylerschmall_jennjenn
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222jestcoastsugarlump4u2FrankidontknowJasonCarney31Blackyodaeverylilthingtamelyss
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.

    • 382
    • FAVS
    cogentanalysisTheNardvarkShimmersteakMariyaAlexanderlanyardiganLowkeyTwitsTangy__lynnbixenspan
    • 108
    • RETWEETS
    lanyardiganpineywoozleprakticenalmolllygurlaway_goalsmichaelclaridgeHarassedMeQuimboSliceIDH
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    All the worst people find their voice.

    • 268
    • FAVS
    Ms61222Home_HalfwayBrookeTuzil13spencerSassafrantzsoonerick76Kyle_LippertSlabBaconBP
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    themissinglincMs61222Moneyrocket_TheDairylandDongrays55RoyalDaytonangbishPredatorialJN
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.

    • 257
    • FAVS
    Ms61222B1gBrainsMcGeeKyle_LippertbethanybillmanReneeColvertdavidwayniejustinmatsonucancallmejenn
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    The_TakedavidwaynieRasbanda_ManoloWhiteyTwoPointOTalbertrossSeriousSanchezsnakep1ssWalterGarrettM
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Most yogurt places will let you fill a CPR torso you bring from home.

    • 228
    • FAVS
    ppulitinesauBrettEsplenNinja_Soup_huensaoMikeCanRanttigersgoroooarianbauer
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    taylordayne19huensaoianbauerVaguelyFunnyDanbenditSeriousSanchez_OhGahraieatanddrink
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I told the Gap cashier I wanted the receipt halfway between me and the bag, in limbo, moving but never arriving.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    NicCageMatchlanyardigansuzygluesnifferellenmcjwoodhamdonnimeganshpettitProfImportant
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    pineywoozleVeeversroyalbaconrynbtmnsperkallecounardYourComicMuseryansartor
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    Ms61222looney_binSamReidSaysmichelledeveroTweets_GoneWildcool_tonnvladchocchetplease
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    KerdislukehortonRoyalDaytonsarahstimsonbenseawardscottsluteDamienFaheyAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'm the guy who goes to the farmers' market and walks away with nothing but an oversized cookie.

    • 171
    • FAVS
    NickSugarbakerTittysFeelgooddavid_bukathclonGageBostonMisterYaegerOsterbackSJa_tranquil_deer
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    phranqueighdgmckimJonBakerchrisnaGerriSignfeldLuckyToken1NicCageMatchAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I was like, "Ten bucks for a soda and a popcorn?! You must be a low wage-earner who has no control over these things!"

    • 122
    • FAVS
    prettygoodyearMs61222ellenmcdavidwaynieWAVEofRADMaclarkeyjacobshoafnalmutawa
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    prettygoodyearMs61222adamcohen15meganshpettitrutesperanzaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

    • 129
    • FAVS
    runswscissors21prettygoodyearMs61222Maclarkeymikeym00nJerryThomasshariv67BobaFettuccine1
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    runswscissors21Ms61222juettnershariv67Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.

    • 99
    • FAVS
    Ms61222vladchocsgtpd75ewfeezBobaFettuccine1POS_Stonertylerschmalllongwall26
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222POS_Stoneri_am_ryanWGladstonechattydarKatiePunkinthomasshelbysMaraWritesStuff
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Guy near me on the plane remarked that "they sure don't make stewardesses like they used to." Problem is, society doesn't owe you a boner.

    • 106
    • FAVS
    JennyPentlandRasbanda_Manolobees_wingzLHGarrettLetdownLizzieRQ_D2spaceheckJvetters
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloRQ_D2Jvetterscamarotrashirish_queene__Nerdlottonevilleoglanyardigan
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Hate when my server waits until my mouth is full before swooping in and asking, "What regret will haunt you until the day you die?"

    • 94
    • FAVS
    bees_wingzalbatrocitytrumpetcakeNickSugarbakerDanBurtSCbchbumJackson_T_FishStephenCapps
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    SkyeO01Wight_Americathrilliams79NicCageMatchPiazzaMattstlbitesAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When I reach 5,000 followers, I will visit my grandmother in hospice.

    • 100
    • FAVS
    NicCageMatchMs61222whatkylasaidjestcoastJackandpeleHome_HalfwayFilthyRichmondsatiricalsmile
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    mattdonaherSPSSSOhMattyBoyTheDairylandDonAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When did I get so mean? When did cruelty become my only source of comfort, even joy? Anyway, I think I'd be a great asset to your company.

    • 86
    • FAVS
    bees_wingzvladchocIamPaulaJanesatiricalsmileCC_Coynehello_saylordragnutJaymayAllDay
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    NicCageMatchAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    As a rule, if Facebook is your only means of contacting me, I don't want to attend your anything.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    themissinglincprettygoodyearMs61222winstonsmithHollyMemphisCabredaBlondAmbitionTOrutesperanza
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222rutesperanzaBob_Teel__Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Senior editor, @theonion. Former writer/producer, @adultswimdotcom. New Yorker, @mcsweeneys contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.