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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."
I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.
Anytime I hear a comedian describe himself as an "equal opportunity offender," all I can think is: Buckle up, black people.
A moment of silence for the unpopular 5th grader who will attempt to win over his classmates with miniature candy canes this week.
My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.
No matter who wins, we're doomed if Romney wins.
To everyone who wants me to bring back sunshine from my trip to Florida: I am not your sunshine mule.
A really cool teacher would let you call him by ANY first name.
Cat spelled out "WHAT'S THE ENDGAME?" with her food.
[Sax solo between the previous and next tweet on your feed.]
The person you will spend your whole life trying to please is the person whose cell phone will go off at your funeral.
30 kindergarteners on the subway are giddy about their trip to the aquarium except one who sits apart and senses the impermanence of things.
So, this restaurant's OK with some guy's seeing-eye dog, but my tarantula valet has to wait outside holding my cloak in the freezing cold?
When I reach 1,000 followers, I will visit my grandmother in hospice.
Handed a cashier a receipt and said, "Little taste of your own medicine, eh?"
I asked for a girl's number, and she said, "No way, loser." Turns out "No way, loser" is a fake number.
I feel weird gawking at car crashes, so I just walk around the wreckage like I'm looking for my Frisbee.
Writer, http://adultswim.com. Former senior writer, The Onion. New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Coauthor, Our Bodies, Our Junk.