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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."
I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.
I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.
All the worst people find their voice.
My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.
I told the Gap cashier I wanted the receipt halfway between me and the bag, in limbo, moving but never arriving.
Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.
I was like, "Ten bucks for a soda and a popcorn?! You must be a low wage-earner who has no control over these things!"
When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.
Guy near me on the plane remarked that "they sure don't make stewardesses like they used to." Problem is, society doesn't owe you a boner.
Hate when my server waits until my mouth is full before swooping in and asking, "What regret will haunt you until the day you die?"
When did I get so mean? When did cruelty become my only source of comfort, even joy? Anyway, I think I'd be a great asset to your company.
When I reach 5,000 followers, I will visit my grandmother in hospice.
As a rule, if Facebook is your only means of contacting me, I don't want to attend your anything.
The depressed people aren't always the ones you think they are, so maybe let everyone who matters to you know they're not alone.
I hate when people clap at the end of a flight, but I really hate when they yell "Encore!" and the plane takes off again.
Senior editor, @theonion. Former writer/producer, @adultswimdotcom. New Yorker, @mcsweeneys contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.
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