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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."

    • 1,744
    • FAVS
    RickyJCollinsallanxtacyJohnMarkowitzTheMightyFoolBedheadBunnyhalbrownleeSPSSSHeyoooitsmeghan
    • 890
    • RETWEETS
    RandleDaytonasmacisaacadamjmacdchashollywoodNickSchugebrawleydarius_robertiWGladstone
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.

    • 1,161
    • FAVS
    vladchocalexwockeezSuperknux479JackWilliamRtFeemckhravenschofieldCarlbrent1982CaPeteMauroIII
    • 346
    • RETWEETS
    MALCOLMJ_divapieceSuperknux479JackWilliamRtFCarlbrent1982CaMkjkfitzgeraldAndyAsAdjectiveLexyQuinn
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.

    • 816
    • FAVS
    JohnMarkowitzbrotisseriechknewfeezTheDairylandDonDr_RaulDukeRachelBROwenMrsTomServodirtydishtowels
    • 352
    • RETWEETS
    WGladstoneannamadebees_wingzDanBurtboominonionUnreal_1Cee_Sarcasmchrisreidradio
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

    • 643
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackMaryKoCoTheDairylandDongaston_marianjacobswRachelBROwenthitchnerbellesapepper37
    • 223
    • RETWEETS
    WGladstoneWICKEDTRUTH01hstweetheartsomecleverthingSimplyDivalandmoohaighMs61222pdxapprox
    JuliaEveHays
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    If your 5-year-old hasn't already invented a technology that redefines how we consume media, you can gently place him in the garbage.

    • 453
    • FAVS
    think_tronn420rMichaeLieblerScienceRanepetkChristineOMFGHandofAsclepiusdivapiece
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    GutterrRockGRIIMDUNZWICKheythisisbrianno_redheads_plsn420rDaBigTumorChantluhsydshee
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222MrsFoulmouthManateeJackMidgetspardanceaverydancenosoyasiaticatylerschmall
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222jestcoastsugarlump4u2FrankidontknowJasonCarney31Blackyodaeverylilthingtamelyss
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.

    • 419
    • FAVS
    doridayanMrsTomServoSpencerFos22cogentanalysisTheNardvarkShimmersteakMariyaAlexanderlanyardigan
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    lanyardiganpineywoozleprakticenalmolllygurlaway_goalsmichaelclaridgeHarassedMeQuimboSliceIDH
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Most yogurt places will let you fill a CPR torso you bring from home.

    • 343
    • FAVS
    JennyPentlandxBorisTheBladexoscar_morrisautism692tickytackySchmittyTheDawgFazio_NxwellLudwig
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    2tickytackyFazio_NbumweesJoe5150MisYvolikeagschmitztaylordayne19huensao
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    All the worst people find their voice.

    • 272
    • FAVS
    MaryKoCoMrsTomServoHARDHEADturchelsearweaverMs61222Home_HalfwayBrookeTuzil13spencer
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    JamesFoltaryanmerthemissinglincMs61222Moneyrocket_TheDairylandDongrays55RoyalDayton
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.

    • 262
    • FAVS
    SeelvaAllahverdMrsTomServoMs61222B1gBrainsMcGeeKyle_LippertbethanybillmanReneeColvertdavidwaynie
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    The_TakedavidwaynieRasbanda_ManoloTheWhiteyShowTalbertrossSeriousSanchezsnakep1ssWalterGarrettM
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    "Hey, nice to meet you! I'm essentially a labyrinth of inhibitions with no exit. Can I get you a drink?"

    • 242
    • FAVS
    punderbreadkylerselbyanjvsthirstfavc_frank96somecleverthingMrsTomServoalexplutzer
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    drahcirlegovthirstfavkylerselbysomecleverthingphenduuuNicCageMatchDulce_Calaca__bees_wingz
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'm the guy who goes to the farmers' market and walks away with nothing but an oversized cookie.

    • 211
    • FAVS
    WGladstonebtylerjonesmelmarenedbritondaveynatJust_Jess_AgaineTHEgoddessAGBouve
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    AGBouvephranqueighdgmckimJonBakerchrisnaGerriSignfeldLuckyToken1NicCageMatch
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I told the Gap cashier I wanted the receipt halfway between me and the bag, in limbo, moving but never arriving.

    • 189
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoNicCageMatchlanyardigansuzygluesnifferellenmcjwoodhamdonnimeganshpettit
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    pineywoozleVeeversroyalbaconrynbtmnsperkallecounardYourComicMuseryansartor
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222looney_binSamReidSaysmichelledeveroTweets_GoneWildcool_tonnvladchoc
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    KerdislukehortonRoyalDaytonsarahstimsonbenseawardscottsluteDamienFaheyAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I realized my apartment had a bug problem when I saw a millipede on a throne holding a thousand scepters.

    • 157
    • FAVS
    kfttmKyle_LippertRiverCleggjejejoy_FattMernandezWGladstoneVanno_Mackalenesmiles
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    est1975blogMrsTomServoDanBurtnickbachanpineappleiheartmachiavellinoAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I was like, "Ten bucks for a soda and a popcorn?! You must be a low wage-earner who has no control over these things!"

    • 123
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoprettygoodyearMs61222ellenmcdavidwaynieWAVEofRADMaclarkeyjacobshoaf
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    prettygoodyearMs61222adamcohen15meganshpettitrutesperanzaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

    • 131
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServorunswscissors21prettygoodyearMs61222Maclarkeymikeym00nJerryThomasshariv67
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    runswscissors21Ms61222juettnershariv67Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Guy near me on the plane remarked that "they sure don't make stewardesses like they used to." Problem is, society doesn't owe you a boner.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoJennyPentlandRasbanda_Manolobees_wingzLHGarrettLetdownLizzieRQ_D2spaceheck
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloRQ_D2Jvetterscamarotrashirish_queeneNerdlottonevilleoglanyardigan
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.

    • 100
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222vladchocsgtpd75ewfeezBobaFettuccine1NotADogIRLtylerschmall
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222NotADogIRLi_am_ryanWGladstonechattydarKatiePunkincurtisseverettMaraWritesStuff
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Hate when my server waits until my mouth is full before swooping in and asking, "What regret will haunt you until the day you die?"

    • 111
    • FAVS
    haltwirklichjessokfinedentednjTheRealDCFMrsTomServobees_wingzalbatrocitytrumpetcake
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealDCFMrsTomServoSkyeO01Wight_Americathrilliams79NicCageMatchPiazzaMattstlbites
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Senior editor, The Onion. Former writer/producer, Adult Swim. New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.