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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."

    • 944
    • FAVS
    creechnastyamyfill_croger5audipennyamylou126pussytoothlosermonkeyBoleyngirly
    • 519
    • RETWEETS
    danamayer94rona65YOvinny204MaxClyde_LeonHWolfOfficialCallumWsgberghoffYourmomisdirty
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    All the worst people find their voice.

    • 234
    • FAVS
    everylilthingDanBurt_Ms_Moneypenny_tmheimbaughLadyLeksShadySullivantrumpetcakeprimawesome
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    grays55RoyalDaytonangbishPredatorialJNDamienFaheySeamusBellamymarksableAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.

    • 248
    • FAVS
    bethanybillmanReneeColvertdavidwayniejustinmatsonucancallmejennAverage_Rangeviadearoscar_morris
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    davidwaynieRasbanda_ManoloWhiteyTwoPointOTalbertrossSeriousSanchezsnakep1ssWalterGarrettMDiaryOfABadMan
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

    • 202
    • FAVS
    ToastedEggoHollyMemphisWAVEofRADAleenaKhalid7MaclarkeyBananaDolphinkiralcDookofurl
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    HollyMemphispfarr83TheFChallengeresraa3bdelwahabcaleb_leachCartographyBoydanjan13joseph_wilde
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

    • 212
    • FAVS
    IlovetinyrobotsWAVEofRADHome_HalfwayMaclarkeyjacobshoafCabredacatcervenyNJO
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    catcervenyrutesperanzagabereberajinairbrunswickmumSarbunndiarrheamrslamas
    JuliaEveHays
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.

    • 179
    • FAVS
    michelledeveroTweets_GoneWildcool_tonnvladchocchetpleasekendallbadesgweaslsabresword00
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    KerdislukehortonRoyalDaytonsarahstimsonbenseawardscottsluteDamienFaheyAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I was like, "Ten bucks for a soda and a popcorn?! You must be a low wage-earner who has no control over these things!"

    • 119
    • FAVS
    davidwaynieWAVEofRADMaclarkeyjacobshoafnalmutawageogangsterlaurentroublechrislawrence
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    adamcohen15meganshpettitrutesperanzaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    Maclarkeymikeym00nJerryThomasshariv67BobaFettuccine1SamuelMoenrumandrocksNicCageMatch
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    juettnershariv67Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Guy near me on the plane remarked that "they sure don't make stewardesses like they used to." Problem is, society doesn't owe you a boner.

    • 106
    • FAVS
    JennyPentlandRasbanda_Manolobees_wingzLHGarrettLetdownLizzieRQ_D2PollutikornJvetters
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloRQ_D2Jvetterscamarotrashirish_queene__Nerdlottonevilleoglanyardigan
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    vladchocsgtpd75ewfeezBobaFettuccine1POS_Stonertylerschmalllongwall26sadmonsters
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    POS_Stoneri_am_ryanWGladstonechattydarKatiePunkinnelsonvanaldensMaraWritesStuffAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    As a rule, if Facebook is your only means of contacting me, I don't want to attend your anything.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    HollyMemphisCabredaBlondAmbitionTOrutesperanzaBrockLPricelindsayloveallipersontomh
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    rutesperanzaBob_Teel__Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The depressed people aren't always the ones you think they are, so maybe let everyone who matters to you know they're not alone.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackmaxfischermusicalysonisntfunnyDamienFaheySCbchbumRosieBright_mtobeyJonasPolsky
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    tweeter4758NataleeDaraNickMeppRosieBright_mtobeyambivalentAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I hate when people clap at the end of a flight, but I really hate when they yell "Encore!" and the plane takes off again.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    DevinRosniHollyMemphisNicestHippochav_whitcherThe_Lazenby_GuynotoriousPOBScottLinnenGoneFiction
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    clubmatiDanBurtThe_Lazenby_GuyJackBurroughsAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Let's all just wade into the ocean, find out who's a witch, and start fresh.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackRadioWoodySCbchbumLyraSmithGralaskabeefy_bonobojohntoconnorppearslice
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    BRENTHORPhakeJakeHowellNicCageMatchAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Who are the people that have the option of skipping a YouTube ad after 5 seconds but say, "Let's see where Bud Light Lime goes with this"?

    • 64
    • FAVS
    MaclarkeymeganshpettitBlondAmbitionTOrutesperanzashariv67werna_carelesscarlerolindsaylove
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    rutesperanzawerna_emilypostpunkAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Gmail needs a feature where you can not only undo a sent message but undo being the kind of person who wrote it in the first place.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    HollyMemphisdavidwaynieMaclarkeyvladchocTara_lyn1sgtpd75BobaFettuccine1tylerschmall
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    BobaFettuccine1WGladstonesblakeervinAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

    Then the horse says, "Because I will literally be worked to death."

    • 36
    • FAVS
    DrewLDickersonchav_whitcherDanBurtJoshuaWithersyegsimonbrandibrandidonniQuesadzilla
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    DanBurtJoshuaWithersjamiekilsteinAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Yep. Signed the customer copy again.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    YourComicMusevladchocreppocsriley_foxBrief_Kasewillstagglsip11klickitatstreet
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    YourComicMuseJennyBradleycurlycomedyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    ChazballparkHollyMemphisWAVEofRADMaclarkeyvladchocTara_lyn1tkcoltsfanSmiley_Virusss
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    HollyMemphisTheNewDomShowSmiley_VirusssAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Today was a beautiful day—unless you were one of the 12.5 million Americans trapped in a walk-in freezer.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    llvvzzvladchocPat_Messcloudypianosriley_foxdragnutassholeveganRockabillyJay
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    NicCageMatchAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Senior editor, @theonion. Former writer, @adultswimdotcom. New Yorker, @mcsweeneys contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.