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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."

    • 1,755
    • FAVS
    GrowlyGregoradicaljocybeelzebubdJosefSuperflipLePierresyphyliciaRickyJCollinsallanxtacy
    • 892
    • RETWEETS
    radicaljocyjuneohara65RandleDaytonasmacisaacphilthycanuckchashollywoodNickSchugebrawley
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.

    • 1,273
    • FAVS
    BlackwatchPlaidJennyPentlandHoneyWooWooGuttTheLegendBenjyHimmelScott_BrindiarnivlaGnoraAdjpcoc
    • 379
    • RETWEETS
    west_coltonDJSatodaGrowlyGregoMALCOLMJ_divapieceSuperknux479JackWilliamRtFCarlbrent1982Ca
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.

    • 816
    • FAVS
    JohnMarkowitzbrotisseriechknewfeezTheDairylandDonDr_RaulDukeRachelBROwenMrsTomServodirtydishtowels
    • 352
    • RETWEETS
    WGladstoneannamadebees_wingzDanBurtboominonionUnreal_1Cee_Sarcasmchrisreidradio
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

    • 864
    • FAVS
    BlackwatchPlaiddanielle_0827lsip11419BillEJennyPentlandHoneyWooWooGuttTheLegendradtoria
    • 291
    • RETWEETS
    danielle_0827ianxdavidNickFaugheyalexwockeezSeptapusDennylindsbrenChandlerMillerrwest_colton
    JuliaEveHays
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    If your 5-year-old hasn't already invented a technology that redefines how we consume media, you can gently place him in the garbage.

    • 491
    • FAVS
    GrowlyGregobatkarenBrokeASSmomma3ZakRaynerjohn4salebatchyyyjazzjavajoyTheVeryBestDad
    • 157
    • RETWEETS
    GutterrRockGRIIMDUNZWICKheythisisbrianno_redheads_plsn420rDaBigTumorChantluhsydshee
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222MrsFoulmouthManateeJackMidgetspardanceaverydancenosoyasiaticatylerschmall
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    NintendoUser64Ms61222jestcoastsugarlumps4u__FrankidontknowJasonCarney31Blackyodaeverylilthing
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.

    • 419
    • FAVS
    doridayanMrsTomServoSpencerFos22cogentanalysisTheNardvarkShimmersteakMariyaAlexanderlanyardigan
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    lanyardiganpineywoozleprakticenalmolllygurlaway_goalsmichaelclaridgeHarassedMeQuimboSliceIDH
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Most yogurt places will let you fill a CPR torso you bring from home.

    • 355
    • FAVS
    StanDAlone2016MicahJGordonBlackwatchPlaidJennyPentlandxBorisTheBladexoscar_morrisautism692tickytacky
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    2tickytackyFazio_NbumweesJoe5150MisYvolikeagschmitztaylordayne19huensao
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    All the worst people find their voice.

    • 275
    • FAVS
    KissAndSighjuneohara65MaryKoCoMrsTomServoHARDHEADturchelsearweaverMs61222Home_Halfway
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    JamesFoltaryanmerthemissinglincMs61222Moneyrocket_TheDairylandDongrays55RoyalDayton
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The best part about having an empty seat next to you on a plane is not having to hold your party sub vertically.

    • 287
    • FAVS
    lanyardiganonelatesundaytrumpetcakenickadeemusHumor_Fetishcolingriffithseptembawestartfavorite
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    pug_watch_artfavorite_w0lfyMBBeachRatThee1_4UJay_FrickinLynnDBwiddaDBmichaelclaridge
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.

    • 277
    • FAVS
    thirstfavSeptapusDennynice_mustardsomecleverthingSeelvaAllahverdMrsTomServoMs61222B1gBrainsMcGee
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    chilled_mememitcheubankslive_skate_diesomecleverthingThe_TakedavidwaynieRasbanda_ManoloTheWhiteyShow
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    "Hey, nice to meet you! I'm essentially a labyrinth of inhibitions with no exit. Can I get you a drink?"

    • 242
    • FAVS
    davidsimyoNICE__kylerselbyanjvsthirstfavc_frank96somecleverthingMrsTomServoalexplutzer
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    drahcirlegovthirstfavkylerselbysomecleverthingphenduuuNicCageMatchDulce_Calaca__bees_wingz
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'm the guy who goes to the farmers' market and walks away with nothing but an oversized cookie.

    • 211
    • FAVS
    WGladstonebtylerjonesmelmarenedbritondaveynatJust_Jess_AgaineTHEgoddessAGBouve
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    AGBouvephranqueighdgmckimJonBakerchrisnaGerriSignfeldLuckyToken1NicCageMatch
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I told the Gap cashier I wanted the receipt halfway between me and the bag, in limbo, moving but never arriving.

    • 189
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoNicCageMatchlanyardigansuzygluesnifferellenmcjwoodhamdonnimeganshpettit
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    pineywoozleVeeversroyalbaconrynbtmnsperkallecounardYourComicMuseryansartor
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222looney_binSamReidSaysmichelledeveroTweets_GoneWildcool_tonnvladchoc
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    KerdislukehortonRoyalDaytonsarahstimsonbenseawardscottsluteDamienFaheyAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Just realized that agreeing to Terms and Conditions is the closest thing I have to a value system.

    • 157
    • FAVS
    GloGurLMusicalMelMayJustinGuarinieffectualsFrakkingAwesomesucker_punchMelvinofYorkready_SETTE_CO
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    MusicalMelMayrebopineJustinGuarinistockejockthetobbiertsCurly_gurl135FooseSBfluorescent0
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    "Dad, what was 2015 like?"
    "Well, people and smartphones and fleshlights used to be three separate things."

    • 151
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackYourComicMuseAnemoneOhmarianettlevladchocfailjuiceKuskidADumbFlowers__
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    DanBurtYourComicMuseshinavonneSolJewasaurusj3fkHE_VALENCIAthatcarrtabington
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I realized my apartment had a bug problem when I saw a millipede on a throne holding a thousand scepters.

    • 157
    • FAVS
    kfttmKyle_LippertRiverCleggjejejoy_FattMernandezWGladstoneVanno_Mackalenesmiles
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    est1975blogMrsTomServoDanBurtnickbachanpineappleiheartmachiavellinoAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Probably shouldn't worry about robots becoming self-aware until a human does first.

    • 128
    • FAVS
    xxSerenityNowxxmeganshpettitmomma0315pennyhoule1BamaDudeMoneypennyNakedDaCLuBhouseAdar79Angie
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    xxSerenityNowxx1BamaDudedandiophileJustinGuariniSenorManagementandydefmarianettleAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Excited that @realdonaldtrump has decided to donate $5 million to Sandy clean-up efforts, no-strings. I think everyone should thank him.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    beetakashaniAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Senior editor, The Onion. Former writer/producer, Adult Swim. New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.

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