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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."

    • 1,014
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoehmagaHARDHEADturFarmerBraxtonswitterbeetMethMittensThe_Andy_Drewdarrenhoyt
    • 544
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsJohn_M15jaffryanr_wolfcastleleechee420muddymudskipperohhoeReelQuinn
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.

    • 1,024
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222meganlynn94cogentanalysisChillMoonsmeagolsfreeemmyblotnickPlaying_Dad
    • 309
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsgabereberlanyardiganBeamishBoiDBwiddaDBKrazykurtKurtjestcoastshannan_obb
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.

    • 786
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServodirtydishtowelsIsaacDeitzDirectingTitanLaurieDuvall3CLOheadUDSsiddo471carlyken
    • 340
    • RETWEETS
    annamadebees_wingzDanBurtboominonionUnreal_1Cee_SarcasmchrisreidradioLindsSBS
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

    • 593
    • FAVS
    HARDHEADturmoohaighdirtydishtowelsMs61222erica_rosiepdxapproxdoingqigongTheMongoose69
    • 206
    • RETWEETS
    SimplyDivalandmoohaighMs61222pdxapproxJoeTrumpsKrazykurtKurtalexjmannzombie_sex
    JuliaEveHays
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222MrsFoulmouthManateeJackMidgetspardanceaverydancenosoyasiaticatylerschmall
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222jestcoastsugarlump4u2FrankidontknowJasonCarney31Blackyodaeverylilthingtamelyss
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.

    • 418
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoSpencerFos22cogentanalysisTheNardvarkShimmersteakMariyaAlexanderlanyardiganLowkeyTwits
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    lanyardiganpineywoozleprakticenalmolllygurlaway_goalsmichaelclaridgeHarassedMeQuimboSliceIDH
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Most yogurt places will let you fill a CPR torso you bring from home.

    • 316
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServotrumpetcake_Elizabeth_KkaralotzPatrick_9001_adam_17xanthine0FattMernandez
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    Joe5150MisYvolikeagschmitztaylordayne19huensaoianbauerVaguelyFunnyDanbendit
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    All the worst people find their voice.

    • 271
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoHARDHEADturchelsearweaverMs61222Home_HalfwayBrookeTuzil13spencerSassafrantz
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    JamesFoltaryanmerthemissinglincMs61222Moneyrocket_TheDairylandDongrays55RoyalDayton
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.

    • 259
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222B1gBrainsMcGeeKyle_LippertbethanybillmanReneeColvertdavidwayniejustinmatson
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    The_TakedavidwaynieRasbanda_ManoloTheWhiteyShowTalbertrossSeriousSanchezsnakep1ssWalterGarrettM
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    "Hey, nice to meet you! I'm essentially a labyrinth of inhibitions with no exit. Can I get you a drink?"

    • 228
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoalexplutzerCthunicorn_Elizabeth_KseriouslyemilyHome_Halfwayemilyosgoodtrumpetcake
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    phenduuuNicCageMatchDulce_Calacabees_wingzhuensaoLt_Dirty_Dan_ottcanadajessetcall
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I told the Gap cashier I wanted the receipt halfway between me and the bag, in limbo, moving but never arriving.

    • 189
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoNicCageMatchlanyardigansuzygluesnifferellenmcjwoodhamdonnimeganshpettit
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    pineywoozleVeeversroyalbaconrynbtmnsperkallecounardYourComicMuseryansartor
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'm the guy who goes to the farmers' market and walks away with nothing but an oversized cookie.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    melmarenedbritondaveynatJust_Jess_AgaineTHEgoddessAGBouvetexasstalkermomdirtydishtowels
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    AGBouvephranqueighdgmckimJonBakerchrisnaGerriSignfeldLuckyToken1NicCageMatch
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoMs61222looney_binSamReidSaysmichelledeveroTweets_GoneWildcool_tonnvladchoc
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    KerdislukehortonRoyalDaytonsarahstimsonbenseawardscottsluteDamienFaheyAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I was like, "Ten bucks for a soda and a popcorn?! You must be a low wage-earner who has no control over these things!"

    • 123
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoprettygoodyearMs61222ellenmcdavidwaynieWAVEofRADMaclarkeyjacobshoaf
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    prettygoodyearMs61222adamcohen15meganshpettitrutesperanzaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

    • 131
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServorunswscissors21prettygoodyearMs61222Maclarkeymikeym00nJerryThomasshariv67
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    runswscissors21Ms61222juettnershariv67Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Guy near me on the plane remarked that "they sure don't make stewardesses like they used to." Problem is, society doesn't owe you a boner.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoJennyPentlandRasbanda_Manolobees_wingzLHGarrettLetdownLizzieRQ_D2spaceheck
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloRQ_D2Jvetterscamarotrashirish_queene__Nerdlottonevilleoglanyardigan
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.

    • 100
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    MrsTomServoMs61222vladchocsgtpd75ewfeezBobaFettuccine1NotADogIRLtylerschmall
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    Ms61222NotADogIRLi_am_ryanWGladstonechattydarKatiePunkincurtisseverettMaraWritesStuff
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Hate when my server waits until my mouth is full before swooping in and asking, "What regret will haunt you until the day you die?"

    • 109
    • FAVS
    jessokfinedentednjTheRealDCFMrsTomServobees_wingzalbatrocitytrumpetcakeNickSugarbaker
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealDCFMrsTomServoSkyeO01Wight_Americathrilliams79NicCageMatchPiazzaMattstlbites
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When I reach 5,000 followers, I will visit my grandmother in hospice.

    • 100
    • FAVS
    NicCageMatchMs61222whatkylasaidjestcoastJackandpeleHome_HalfwayFilthyRichmondsatiricalsmile
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    mattdonaherSPSSSOhMattyBoyTheDairylandDonAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    When did I get so mean? When did cruelty become my only source of comfort, even joy? Anyway, I think I'd be a great asset to your company.

    • 87
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServobees_wingzvladchocIamPaulaJanesatiricalsmileCC_Coynehello_saylordragnut
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    NicCageMatchAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Senior editor, The Onion. Former writer/producer, Adult Swim. New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.