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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Gift @jasonroeder Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 1,908
    • LIKES
    hero_squirrelvladchocNickSugarbakermeganshpettitBen_Friedman12sambrownyMATLOQwinemom1996
    • 952
    • RETWEETS
    hogwildWPSjennnyltmichaelgodwin91_halezz_sacrointrainingMissTemptAsianEstherCWndecember
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.

    • 1,456
    • LIKES
    RiverCleggKirstensDeskZackazumpazooABurgerADayblood_orphanLeahTiscioneNickHGarrisonErikuhAranduh
    • 436
    • RETWEETS
    thekashbalochEli_PodymascoccaroSaulJRosenbearfugularityevan_mathermarmiya7estarLA
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.

    • 820
    • LIKES
    CJZ_1behindyourbackHollyMemphismeganshpettitJohnMarkowitzbrotisseriechknewfeezTheDairylandDon
    • 353
    • RETWEETS
    allyymosesHollyMemphisWGladstoneannamadebees_wingzDanBurtlibsnydsUnreal_1
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

    • 866
    • LIKES
    Shimmersteak1_ScorcherCJZ_1HollyMemphisBlackwatchPlaid__danielle_0827lsip11419BillE
    • 291
    • RETWEETS
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    JuliaEveHays
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Trump is just every other GOP candidate after three or four drinks.

    • 643
    • LIKES
    Wodiliewodegrasshoppergirltoujours_fabMartiniDudeJohnSeabornAdar79AngieYourYakiridragnut
    • 343
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Just told everyone in the restaurant to shut the fuck up so my date could get the full effect of me opening my Velcro wallet.

    • 632
    • LIKES
    KimchiBreathluuuuceHolllyHugheszarascottiopablogoldsteinKyle_LippertRiverCleggsam_lee13
    • 255
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    If your 5-year-old hasn't already invented a technology that redefines how we consume media, you can gently place him in the garbage.

    • 558
    • LIKES
    behindyourbackjessicasikorski__Home_HalfwayLeahTiscioneZeldaDorantetoilelointainetheewrenOhChristiano
    • 168
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

    • 502
    • LIKES
    mona416JGeilsLandvladchocFlyingCBR404Cameljockeynsn729assholeveganErinEph
    • 189
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I don't get it. I made eye contact, I made her laugh, I listened, I said her head looked like an Easter Island monolith, I—ah, there it is.

    • 470
    • LIKES
    44shadesofgrayCJZ_1LeahTiscioneSCbchbumdustinmizelleClakeBentpoeksFlyingCBR
    • 124
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Most yogurt places will let you fill a CPR torso you bring from home.

    • 374
    • LIKES
    CJZ_1behindyourbackHudsonRadioUclairecc9MoneypennyNakedbourgeoisalientheodohRisesGooberforce
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    bonergarage5marfanwizardlauren_jeffers_Geoff_AmrossbourgeoisalienAdar79AngieMr_KapowskiInkedUpKidder
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Sometimes I wonder what extra would play me in a movie about my life.

    • 43
    • LIKES
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    • 15
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Your Uber is 2 minutes away.
    Your Uber is arriving now.
    Your Uber is upon you.
    Nothing remains but Uber.
    Uber.
    Uber.

    • 44
    • LIKES
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    • 6
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I feel weird gawking at car crashes, so I just walk around the wreckage like I'm looking for my Frisbee.

    • 29
    • LIKES
    TheDairylandDonLHGarrettYimsterFifeGermsinlawgoodtimenoelCatsForDinnerzcutefianceeashley_barnhill
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    TheDairylandDonRowdyBowdenelsaPelsjasAngelaLovesNY
    RowdyBowden
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The woman I went on a single punishing date with is available on Gchat.

    • 21
    • LIKES
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    • 3
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    It's weird that they ring a bell at Trader Joe's every time a black person gets a worse sentence than a white for the same crime.

    • 12
    • LIKES
    SquirreljusticeatbatonacathatErroneousJuan__WGladstonemtobeykurtbraunohlerTheNardvarkHome_Halfway
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
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    LHGarrett
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    It's called casual sex because you're carrying a surfboard, right?

    • 12
    • LIKES
    JasonBerlinMattySoftmitts____CthunicornMmeLaCroozColorMeScraddemmyblotnickangrynikkisucittaM
    • 1
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    ColorMeScradd
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Former senior editor @theonion, @edgetv. Former writer/producer, @adultswim; New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Books: Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.

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