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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    ewfeezBobaFettuccine1IncandenzaBulbstylerschmalllongwall26sadmonstersCarolineCasey4ClairePhelan____
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    IncandenzaBulbsi_am_ryanWGladstonechattydarKatiePunkincasterlyrockingMaraWritesStuffAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Gmail needs a feature where you can not only undo a sent message but undo being the kind of person who wrote it in the first place.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    BobaFettuccine1tylerschmalllongwall26aboll14sadmonstersCarolineCaseyquakergunsrealkittenpants
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    BobaFettuccine1WGladstonesblakeervinAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    People might roll their eyes at my vanilla sexual tastes until they realize "vanilla" is short for Van Morrison-impersonating gorilla.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    No one has to live-tweet the Golden Globes. It doesn't have to happen. Plenty of time. I repeat: It does not have to happen.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    MindyFuranoSandra_Di_Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Sandra_Di_Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Attention choking victims: I'll definitely try to save you, but as an introvert, I need an hour or so to "warm up" to a new person.

    • 34
    • FAVS
    meganshpettitglassshallotbehindyourbackvrubaquakergunsLongStoryLongerCarolineCaseyVaguelyFunnyDan
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Always a bummer when a woman has a picture of her niece in her online profile because I am not ready to uncle some other guy's kid.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    BobaFettuccine1CarolineCaseyjamesjhamiltonAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    The smell on this subway can only be described as never-washed Kinison beret.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    fackelmanndragnutCarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    CarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I am 100 percent certain that someone meeting me for the first time can tell I only own two forks.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    BobaFettuccine1CarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I feel weird gawking at car crashes, so I just walk around the wreckage like I'm looking for my Frisbee.

    • 29
    • FAVS
    TheDairylandDonLHGarrettYimsterFifeGermsinlawgoodtimenoelCatsForDinnerzcutefianceeashley_barnhill
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    TheDairylandDonRowdyBowdenelsaPelsjasAngelaLovesNY
    RowdyBowden
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    "So help me, if you pack animals chip a single wing feather on a single ceramic angel..." -- first words the movers heard out of my mouth.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    SCbchbumCarolineCaseyMolly_KatsemilypostpunkalexwockeezSARUHHHH4JustinFuranobehindyourback
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    MindyFuranoJustinFuranoAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Truth be told, I spent jury duty figuring out what eight other people's tickle boundaries were.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    tylerschmallAli_MoranSCbchbumMindyFuranojosiahjleedonnijuliussharpeReelQuinn
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    But what if your friends are even happier than they seem on Facebook and are toning it down to spare you and your heartbreaking life?

    • 18
    • FAVS
    robfeeMindyFuranofiorocojosiahjleeWetzelGeekSTACEYNIGHTMAREAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    twrk_Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I will pay $50,000 for a video of Jaden Smith telling his father that he wants to be a social worker.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Finished Freaks and Geeks. It's overrated junk. One season was one too many.

    Kidding! But now you know what a murder impulse feels like.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    tylerschmallCarolineCaseymichael_romanosjewfacekillaMindyFuranoemilypostpunkhllauzonnotoriousPOB
    • 1
    • RETWEET
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I got soup instead of the salad I ordered, and now I know exactly how a patient feels when the surgeon amputates the wrong leg.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    I had 12 items in the 12 items or less express lane, but I put one back because it just felt like playing with fire.

    • 20
    • FAVS
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    • 1
    • RETWEET
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    If you poke the Pillsbury Doughboy anywhere else, he bends your finger back till it snaps.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseySCbchbumMindyFuranoSTACEYNIGHTMAREjerryRenekatommo67jefftminstonJonasPolsky
    • 1
    • RETWEET
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  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Make the front desk nervous by checking in with 10 buckets of glue and 200 feet of wallpaper.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyLHGarrettnoles_ktSeesLikeChickenmatthasarmsDamienFaheyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    noles_ktAvatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    Right when my girlfriend discovers the ring in the salsa bowl, I signal for the mariachi band to come over and play Aerosmith's "Pink."

    • 18
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • jasonroeder
      Jason Roeder @jasonroeder

    My erotic novel is 186 pages of a man worrying that condoms, while very effective, are not 100 percent effective.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyGoneFictionfrenchielaboozilibsnydsMindyFuranoAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
@jasonroeder

@jasonroeder

Senior editor, The Onion. Former writer, Adult http://Swim.com. New Yorker, McSweeney's contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.