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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."
All the worst people find their voice.
My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.
For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.
I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
Thanks for the "serious tweet" warning. Had a moment to steady myself.
I was like, "Ten bucks for a soda and a popcorn?! You must be a low wage-earner who has no control over these things!"
When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Guy near me on the plane remarked that "they sure don't make stewardesses like they used to." Problem is, society doesn't owe you a boner.
I wrote BROKEN on a box of perfectly intact dishes just so the movers could feel like magicians.
As a rule, if Facebook is your only means of contacting me, I don't want to attend your anything.
The depressed people aren't always the ones you think they are, so maybe let everyone who matters to you know they're not alone.
I hate when people clap at the end of a flight, but I really hate when they yell "Encore!" and the plane takes off again.
Let's all just wade into the ocean, find out who's a witch, and start fresh.
Who are the people that have the option of skipping a YouTube ad after 5 seconds but say, "Let's see where Bud Light Lime goes with this"?
Gmail needs a feature where you can not only undo a sent message but undo being the kind of person who wrote it in the first place.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Then the horse says, "Because I will literally be worked to death."
Yep. Signed the customer copy again.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Today was a beautiful day—unless you were one of the 12.5 million Americans trapped in a walk-in freezer.
Senior editor, @theonion. Former writer, @adultswimdotcom. New Yorker, @mcsweeneys contributor. Coauthor, Oh, the Humanity; Our Bodies, Our Junk.
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