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@jaydensmommie
Mary
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Roses are red, violets are blue, hey do you think I could borrow like five dollars for lunch?
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@jaydensmommie’s (Mary) best tweets
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The first step is admitting that you're a problem.
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At Target buying a Transformers toy based on the movie that was based on the cartoon that was made from the toys.
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I usually think of my ex as being a lot like chocolate except that I like chocolate and don't want to kill it with fire.
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I just wish I could find a guy to love me for how great my boobs really are.
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I got my period last night so that explains why I've been so fat, lazy, and bitchy the past twenty years.
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I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME INSULT YOUR OUTFIT AND MAYBE YOUR HAIR, PROBABLY BEHIND YOUR BACK.
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My mom, feeling hopeful about my love life after a match.com commercial- "THEY FOUND EACH OTHER ON THE INTERNET! YOU LOVE IT THERE!"
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I only have 57 problems, but like 19 of them involve bitches.
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You know why they're called grandma panties, right?
Because your mother is a whore.
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Some people think it's weird that I say the word "eyeroll" instead of actually rolling my eyes.
You understand though, right Internet?
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It's not you, it's just some of the things you do. And say. And think. And believe. And listen to. And wear. And eat. But that's it.
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OHTHANKGOD, Valentine's day merchandise is finally out at Target.
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I know I can't make everyone like me but I'm confident that with a little effort I can make sure no one does.
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My son just turned down a Pop-Tart because he 'doesn't like the sprinkles' and now I have to find out who his real parents are.
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Well what if I really *like* milk and that was the last cup I had left of it and WHY DO YOU GET TO MAKE ALL THE RULES ABOUT CRYING??
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OMG! Albert is totally addicted to morphine! What will Charles Ingalls do?!?! Why am I still single?! What does outside look like?!
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You're the Sully to my Dr. Quinn. The Almanzo to my Laura Ingalls Wilder. The John-Boy Walton to my I was homeschooled, this isn't my fault.
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Don't go, Jason Waterfalls!
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You know how people say "Please excuse my French!" when they say bad words? Well it's because everyone in France has a dirty whore mouth.
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WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND KNOWS HOW TO COOK?!
Cuz I need to feed some people.
Mostly me.
The thumbs are actually totally optional.
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