The first step is admitting that you're a problem.

At Target buying a Transformers toy based on the movie that was based on the cartoon that was made from the toys.

I usually think of my ex as being a lot like chocolate except that I like chocolate and don't want to kill it with fire.

I just wish I could find a guy to love me for how great my boobs really are.

I got my period last night so that explains why I've been so fat, lazy, and bitchy the past twenty years.

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME INSULT YOUR OUTFIT AND MAYBE YOUR HAIR, PROBABLY BEHIND YOUR BACK.

My mom, feeling hopeful about my love life after a match.com commercial- "THEY FOUND EACH OTHER ON THE INTERNET! YOU LOVE IT THERE!"

I only have 57 problems, but like 19 of them involve bitches.

You know why they're called grandma panties, right?


Because your mother is a whore.

Some people think it's weird that I say the word "eyeroll" instead of actually rolling my eyes.

You understand though, right Internet?

It's not you, it's just some of the things you do. And say. And think. And believe. And listen to. And wear. And eat. But that's it.

OHTHANKGOD, Valentine's day merchandise is finally out at Target.

I know I can't make everyone like me but I'm confident that with a little effort I can make sure no one does.

My son just turned down a Pop-Tart because he 'doesn't like the sprinkles' and now I have to find out who his real parents are.

Well what if I really *like* milk and that was the last cup I had left of it and WHY DO YOU GET TO MAKE ALL THE RULES ABOUT CRYING??

OMG! Albert is totally addicted to morphine! What will Charles Ingalls do?!?! Why am I still single?! What does outside look like?!

You're the Sully to my Dr. Quinn. The Almanzo to my Laura Ingalls Wilder. The John-Boy Walton to my I was homeschooled, this isn't my fault.

Don't go, Jason Waterfalls!

You know how people say "Please excuse my French!" when they say bad words? Well it's because everyone in France has a dirty whore mouth.

WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND KNOWS HOW TO COOK?!

Cuz I need to feed some people.

Mostly me.

The thumbs are actually totally optional.