Did you know that there are people in this world who can start one thing and finish it before moving on to the next thing? Weird, right?

My entire popsicle-eating experience tonight has been one long sexual innuendo and there isn't a single guy around for me to torture.

Can you overdose on vitamins? Buying gummy vitamins may have been a mistake.

Punctuation is still a thing, right?

It'd be cool to have a life where the worst thing to happen to you all day is having to move a couple of feet from where you were laying.

Do those first few steps after you trip count as 'going for a run'?

I spend entirely too much time sober.

This window just made me look really skinny and now we're friends.

I'm starting to think I say the phrase "I'm not as stupid as I sound" too often for it to be true.

The biggest difference between men and women is women say, "I'll be right back" and men say,"I have to take a piss."

Can anyone explain why although, through and tough don't rhyme? Speakers of languages that make sense want to know.

It's not that I think I'm better than you, it's just that I...wait, no, I think I'm better than you.

I still haven't figured out what color my hair or eyes are so try not to ask me very difficult questions.

Not really understanding sayings but trying to use them anyway is my Vietnam.

My phone just autocorrected 'ngl' to 'NHL' instead of 'NFL' and I've never felt so misunderstood :(

Twitter lets you reply to yourself, in case you're feeling lonely.

If people want me to listen to an entire conversation, they should learn to speak in tweet form. And take occasional five minute breaks.

Me: "Haha I should tweet that."

Friend: "That's the saddest thing I've ever heard."

Unless, of course, he thinks I'm safe because of the color of my skin...which probably makes his comments even worse.

I'm really annoyed that I had to pay for the song "price tag".