I'm thinking of writing a book about parenting titled, God Damnit What The Fuck.

I loved when mom would take me to Taco Bell as a kid so I could talk to dad through the speaker at the drive-thru.

I just threw my back out trying to show my wife the proper way to suck a dick.

The drivers side window on my car is stuck about a quarter of the way down so when I go to a drive-thru I can only order quesadillas.

I still remember the day I had sex for the first time because it's printed right on the police report.

If you don't do drugs then you've probably never watched the Weather Channel for 6 hours while your pb&j sandwich cooks in the crock-pot.

In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

It's weird when people have a bunch of family photos in the bathroom and then you realize you crapped your pants in the living room.

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She's probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny's again.

Life was a lot simpler when there was only one flavor of marijuana.

You know you're starting to get popular on Twitter when all the people you followed six months ago are starting to follow you back.

The coolest thing about technology is that I can post a tweet and within seconds disappoint somebody on the other side of the world.

Watching a fat person trying to dig a cell phone out of their front pocket while sitting down is totally exhausting.

I called everyone at work a bunch of fucking losers and peeled out of the parking lot. Then my car died so I came back and asked for a ride.

My son asked me if dick was a bad word so I told him mom definitely doesn't like it.

I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

My landlord doesn't allow animals so my son has a pet watermelon.

The selection on Netflix Streaming is so bad I think I just saw my wedding video on there.

Sometimes my wife will force me to take a shower, then when she's not looking I will slip out the back door and roll around in the grass.

There's really no easy way to explain a shit stain on the ceiling.