James Taylor makes my depression seem simple and vulgar.

I am perfect, omnipotent and all-knowing. Nevertheless, this world was the best I could do.

Fast and Furious tip: Take their car keys instead of chasing them.

#1: I say 'keep the change' purely for my own convenience.

People who say other people are going to hell can go to hell.

Happy Earth Day to you.
Happy Earth Day to you.
Happy Earth Day, dear planet we're destroying.
Happy Earth Day to you.

#1: Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun is over.

If movies have taught us anything about the 60s and 70s, it's that a song from the era was always playing within earshot.

"Lord, give me strength!" No. Go work out, lazy ass.

I wish Twitter would verify Me, but that would involve proving I exist, and that's never been My strong suit.

The Bible belongs in every hotel room the same way a mini-bar belongs in every church.

#ForcesBetterThanNorthKorea The French

#LULZ

The Easter Bunny is a silly, illogical and stupid way to celebrate the resurrection of God's son.

Jesus died for your sins, but he didn't really die, so it doesn't really count. #SeeYouInHellSuckers

Any subject someone brings up just say, "Oh, they had a great piece on that in The New Yorker" and you win.

Sunday is the landing vehicle ride to Normandy Beach.

Manti Te'o is working out for scouts at the NFL combine today. At least, he thinks they're scouts.

Me at school:

No really I am smart I just don't feel like doing this.

If you'd told 14-yr-old me that he'd one day react to all the porn in the world with an "eh", he'd have made fun of you after you left.

Culliver is so anti-gay that he refuses to even stay close to a man in coverage