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I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night.
Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
Who the fuck sells sea shells anyway?!
Especially on the sea shore where you can get them free anyway.
Terrible business idea.
Dear iPhone,
I have typed "haha" like a million times, but yet you continually give me "haga", "hsha", "gaga", "hahss", "hahs"
I hate you
I was in the tattoo parlour earlier and a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slut on its wing.
Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Dear chicks with sexy avi's who tweet about nothing but BJ's, rough sex and boobies...
I can't work out why guys send you dick pics either.
I like my women like I like my coffee...
Tied up in a sack and shipped over from an exotic country.
2 interesting facts about me:
1) my penis is not as long as foot long subway.
2) I'm banned from subway.
Hi, I'd like to buy this abstract, post modernist, surrealist painting of this angst ridden, haunted looking man.
That, sir, is a mirror.
I blame Alanis Morrisette for millions of people not getting irony. Boy did she give some bad examples. Which is ironic itself. Ironically.
Awkward moment when u ask when the baby is due, he says I'm not pregnant, I'm also a guy, he punches you, you die and tweet this from heaven
Getting sleepy. Think I might go read in bed.
And by read I mean masturbate.
And by bed I mean supermarket.
Stop crying and trying to escape out of my bedroom window would you ...
.... You're the one making this weird.
"looking for someone who will touch me like my uncle did" , is enough to get you suspended from a dating site... Apparently.
I used to spend ages looking for people I know in real life on twitter.
Now I spend ages blocking people I know in real life on twitter.
I'd catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you. http://favstar.fm/users/jazmasta/recent
