So grateful to twitter for allowing me to make random-ass comments to awesome strangers instead of being judged for them by family & friends

I get it, Zooey Deschanel, you have bangs.

A hooker just complimented my shoes. I really don't know how to take that.

Another reason why it could never work with my ex. He follows ppl like Newsweek and Al Gore.

Me, I follow people who like cheese.

This vodka and Capri Sun tastes like the murder of my childhood dreams.

I'm jealous of anyone who gets to spend time with you.

You mean not everyone organizes their grocery cart like a game of Tetris?

Ladies can we all agree to a 'no pubes left behind' rule on toilet seats? Or better question, why do you even have pubes?

Maybe I just need to calm the fuck down, grab my couch cushions and make a fort.

Without ugliness there can be no beauty. So thanks to all the skank ass hos out there.

Sometimes I don't get it, but I'll star anyway because I don't want to be the slow kid in Kindergarten.

The weight of your absence is crushing me.

Pretty sure I'd donate to a charity for people in a shit marriage who can't afford divorce.

I never know what to do with my tongue at the dentist.

*closes twitter*
*looks around aimlessly*
*opens twitter*

The second our conversation ends, I miss you.

I think some of you just need to meet and bang one out!

See what I did there, I subtweeted me.

I hate when I check my phone for the time, get sucked into Twitter and I never know what time it is.

If you believe there can be 'too much of a good thing' then you've never had a good thing!

Aww..It's adorable how young happy couples with a newborn don't realize they've just sealed the fate of their marriage.