I'm metrosexual. I love to fuck on trains.

@edsbrother I wish more people would be brave enough to come out as Chinese.

I just peed so hard a little laugh came out.

I'm currently in bed, naked and touching myself. The staff of Furniture Village seem really pissed off.

Save our bees! Demand the government ban the pesticides that are harming our bees.  http://38d.gs/beessave  @38degrees #bees

What a douche. http://t.co/Etmx1ZNC

This was removed from my dog's stomach. http://t.co/7vAjLAOw

VIDEO: Flood chaos in Alnwick - Local News - Northumberland Gazette: http://t.co/yBPW4hGs

Is it me or is modern music just degenerating into a pile of steaming horse shit?

Will you be my friend? I'm asking for a friend.

How do I feel about wind turbines? Not a big fan.

I don't recall Iron Man ever doing any ironing.

I have difficulty passing stools. That's why I can't go into bars.

A bird in the hand is likely to shit on said hand. #tweetthejoke http://t.co/B7Fm0zW

I'm suicidal but horny. I'm going to stand on a cliff and toss myself off.

If the rapture actually takes place, on the minus side, as an atheist I'll be wrong, but on the plus side all the Christians will be gone.

@bbcjersey I read that as bass the instrument and was having a hard time figuring out what it was doing in an aquarium.

I saw this at Woodhorn. Guess what it's called http://t.co/VZySXvHF

I once lost my virginity down the back of the sofa.

I played Scrabble with Dolly Parton. She kept telling me off for looking at her rack.