There should be a "Wow, you're a dick" button on Twitter.

The best choice I made with Twitter is giving up on the 'big names' and following (supposedly) normal folks - you guys are effing hilarious

It's like the voices in my head escaped and opened twitter accounts.

So is 'twitter elite' kind of like being the healthiest patient in the mental ward?

I'd like the option to delete other people's tweets.

I love Jolly Ranchers right up to the time they turn into razor blades in your mouth.

Carpe DM

'Good to know' = Stop talking asshole.

4yo - can reptiles fly?
8yo - if you throw them hard enough.

What the fuck is wrong with you? -in my head at least 10 times a day - probably best I don't say that aloud.

Looking over my previous tweets - I can pinpoint the exact moment I turned into an idiot.

Nothing sends me back to high school insecurity faster than an unfollow.

Karma is a bitch, a very patient bitch.

Everybody talking about masturbating to avis - you know there's porn on the internet right?

Do dyslexic zombies chase Brian?

look at that jerk with his turn signal on for the past mile - me after making sure mine was turned off...

Is this twitter or did I stumble into a masturbation anonymous meeting

Twitter is an alley I wouldn't walk down on a dark night.

With the size of their asses, why does anyone have trouble keeping up with the Kardashians?

Women should be legally required to change their hairstyle at least once after high school