gonna let netflix be the big spoon tonight

so confused is britneys last name spears or bitch?

i lint rolled for this?

hello i am your professor this is the book i wrote also it is the required text for this class also we will never use it thanks for ur money

beyonce sucked all of the power out of the superdome as she ascended back into heaven

hey sorry i can't come out tonight, i don't want to.

*holds baking sheet up to ear* ooh look at me im talking on my new samsung galaxy note 2

i forget, on which side of my dinner plate am i supposed to set my phone?

i dont know maybe its just a white person thing but i can literally sing the banjo part in just about every mumford and sons song

just got coffee at a coffee shop and didnt fall in love with anyone movies are bullshit

only 8 days until valentines candy goes on clearance!!

beauty tip: girls if you run out of make up just stick a couple of pepperonis on your cheeks

today is like taco bell's black friday

whenever i worry about my grades or future i remember that i have met some of the dumbest people i know in college so i should be fine

sometimes i forget you can bake cookie dough

nothing like laying on the couch after a long day of laying on the couch

if you can't handle me under fluorescent lighting then you don't deserve me in dimmer places

getting a 26.2 sticker on the back of my car so everyone knows how many ritz crackers i can fit in my mouth at the same time

my bucket list is the menu at the cheesecake factory

one time i ran with scissors and accidentally killed my whole family and also the dog