Leave the "No Fear" sticker on your car so people know that your lack of fear dates back to at least the early 90's.

Just got back from being in society. Ugly people are very fertile, apparently.

Honestly, pedestrians, I don't know how much more straightforward they can make the walk/don't walk signal.

A sign for fitting rooms that says JUST BECAUSE IT STRETCHES DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A MEDIUM.

"JUST DO IT!"

- Alcohol

"Punch me in the kidney!"

- People that stand 2 inches from the elevator ready to rush in the second the doors open

Any sentence can be FABULOUS if you just add an exclamation point!

The way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's through your mouth. And watch the teeth.

Get money:
1) Create an organized run or fitness obstacle competition
2) Inform white people

Some people should celebrate earth day by taking a hiatus from their quest to eat every ounce of food on it.

Shots of Jameson but without all the people and inanimate objects that start fights with me.

Music is really just an added benefit to my social interaction canceling headphones.

If I want to hear what you have to say, I'll stop punching you in the kidney.

No. No, you're not like Marilyn Monroe, she didn't have 7 chins and a footprint like a Brontosaurus.

Reasons people hate you:
#1 You never shut up
#2 You tell people to smile
#3 You tell people they look tired
#6,573 You're beautiful

Mmmmm your vegan lunch has an intoxicating aroma of ostentatious superiority and soy bean derivatives.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and also people that include me in group text message conversations, hopefully.

You'd have an easier time convincing me to give a rabid bear a prostate exam that you would getting me to eat the brown spot on a banana.

It's almost like this cat I found doesn't even appreciate these pajamas I made him.

If you say "dis n dat" instead of "this and that," please don't hesitate to impale yourself on a sharp metal object of your choosing.