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My cell phone reception is kind of like a small town because there is only two bars & I can't connect with anyone.
Spock: "I believe in a thing called love"
Kirk: "Just listen to the rhythm of my heart"
- Star Trek: Into The Darkness
I wonder if Alligators ever wear polo shirts with tiny douchebags on them?
Just learned that the tiny tables in Pizza boxes are to stop cheese from touching the box and not for my GI Joes to have group hangs around.
Just left a banana peel on my ceiling because I'm into impractical jokes.
HAPPY BASTILLE DAY!!! How many people are celebrating by looking up what Bastille Day is?
I wonder how many Gorillas were taught an armpit fart meant "hello" in sign language before a more mature scientist stepped in & said "guys"
In my will I'm going to leave $1 to the imagination so people will say "he left little to the imagination" also I'll be buried in a Tankini.
For years I got "Medusa" confused with "Madea" and avoided looking old black women in the eyes for fear of turning to stone. #EndRacism
A homeless guy just yelled at me "Hey Mr. FANCYPANTS!" like he's never seen a guy wearing jeans made out of old iPads before.
Congratulations to Chad, Jordan, & Congo for winning the Gold, Silver & Bronze in the "Countries that sound like a Frat Bro" competition!
This KFC Drive Thru reminds me of the Strokes because I can't understand the guy on the microphone & everything smells like Drew Barrymore.
Russell Peters Joke Madlib: What's up with (ethnicity)? They do (stereotype) and sound like (accent)! I'm (brown)! (crowd work)
"Sounds like? Sounds like? Sounds like?"
- people playing Charades with Hulk Hogan
Six dudes who look like the guy from Creed just walked into this 7-11; is ChristianMingle down or am I about to be a victim of a hate crime?
Does the 5-Second Rule start from the moment you first discover the hot dog on the ground?
"Firth Come First Served" - Colin Firth being a dick at a restaurant OR a guy with a speech impediment sometimes
Just farted & it sounded like a Walrus scoffing at the existence of a just God.
"Fuck Guys! I just missed ONE practice" - Water to Earth, Wind & Fire
I'm working on a TV show for hip toddlers caught up in the Israel-Palestine conflict called "Yo Gaza Gaza".