On my desk at work I arrange my dinosaur figurines in the descending order they became extinct so I know when someone's been touching them.

"Nice one." - What you should say to an atheist after they sneeze.

If Twitter turns out to be the most evil sting operation ever, I wouldn't be surprised.

When the moon hits your eye like-a big pizza-pie that's an extinction level event.

Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.

Ever since I ate that Dominos artisan style pizza I can't stop painting my bathroom.

How late does Twitter stay open?

If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

I slept with my twitter crush and all I got was an STotD.

By the year 2055, six out of every seven Grandmothers will have tramp stamps.

It is not considered cheating if you dice the Snickers into a salad.

Friday the 31st is scary because dyslexia.

Hello. My name in Inigo Montoya. You took the last cup of coffee. Prepare to die.

You guys realize if we ever decided to put all our energy together we could totally fuck shit up. Trend that.

Just got pulled over. Cop saw me tweeting. Showed him what I wrote, he giggled and let me off with a warning. Like. A. Boss.

The most effective revenge is silence. And losing a lot of weight.

Whenever I see a celebrity tweet with a big typo I always think either they're drunk or their assistant is so getting fired.

I had a nickel for every time I thought of driving into a ditch instead of to work, I'd be dead and covered with nickels.

Basketball would be more entertaining if the ball heated up rapidly and eventually caught fire as the shot clock approached zero.

Sometimes, I lick your avatar and I'm filled with the heat of a thousand naked suns. Then the police arrive and remove me from the library.