If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

Friday the 31st is scary because dyslexia.

When you perceive consciousness to be sour, create a liquid reminiscent of the warm sun that created every atom in your body.

If there's anything we learned from Jurassic Park is never breed Raptors and hire two programmers.

On a cosmic timeline the average human life lasts less than a nano second. Enjoy your tall half soy half milk mocha vanilla latte.

You say "friend zone", I eat a few cherry stems and spit out a dream catcher.

Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.

"Nice one." - What you should say to an atheist after they sneeze.

Someday I'll be capable of writing a good tweet about Weird Science. But not Chet.

When I was your age a RT was when Amy read the note you wrote about Amy's titties aloud to her friends.

If Twitter turns out to be the most evil sting operation ever, I wouldn't be surprised.

My best tweets aren't really tweets. They are tiny little screams.

"I don't know." Three magic words that could replace all of that bullshit you just said.

Some really funny stuff is coming soon guys I promise, but for now you'll have to accept this tripe: "blabberbung"

A tornado watch is God's way of telling us there is a great sale on batteries and bottled water at CVS.

Hey kid. I survived the 80s with no iPhone, no RedTube and Nancy Reagan's war on drugs. Man the fuck up.

Ever since I ate that Dominos artisan style pizza I can't stop painting my bathroom.

if (following@iAmJuddy)
{
twitter = "fun";
tweets = "fucking hilarious";
}
else
{
you = "a total fucking shitiot"
}

Sometimes, I lick your avatar and I'm filled with the heat of a thousand naked suns. Then the police arrive and remove me from the library.

When the moon hits your eye like-a big pizza-pie that's an extinction level event.