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"We need a table for 5 and napkins for 143."
- Me with my family entering every restaurant
Doritos - my own personal love triangles.
Learning karate in case I'm ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I have OCD and ADD. It's very difficult to stay focused on my obsessions.
Cap'n Crunch is basically just sweetened Legos.
If you don't know, it's also lonely at the bottom.
I bet Norwegian trucks are Built Fjord Tough.
What's 100 ft long and has 21 teeth?
The funnel cake line at the Kentucky State Fair.
I make it a point to tell every hipster I meet that I think their clothes are super cool so they continually have to buy a new outfit.
You're gonna put your hand where?! - muppets
These "mind over matter" people that walk on red hot coals - so what?
Try replacing them with a 750 pc Lego set.
Then I'll be impressed.
Me: *please don't say toodles please don't say toodles please don't say toodles
Coworker: I'm leaving now. Toodles!!
Me:* sigh *loads gun
My Indian name is Dances With Little Debbie.
If ignorance is bliss then I'm stuck in traffic behind the happiest person alive.
Twitter is where phone batteries go to die.
Twitter: where everyone is addicted to either caffeine, bacon or alcohol, and hates wearing pants.
Every time you see a married guy standing outside a dressing room holding a purse, a hole appears in the testosterozone layer.
Baby Got Bach
- 1700's rapper
Wife was ranting bout EVERYTHING this morning. I shoved a Snickers in her mouth bc she "needed a moment"
It didn't work like the commercial.
Million dollar idea:
A keg, but for pudding
Supernerd for movies, music, & books. Avid sports fan. @tjscq is the Princess Leia to my Han Solo.