Doritos - my own personal love triangles.

"We need a table for 5 and napkins for 143."

- Me with my family entering every restaurant

Learning karate in case I'm ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

I have OCD and ADD. It's very difficult to stay focused on my obsessions.

I bet Norwegian trucks are Built Fjord Tough.

If you don't know, it's also lonely at the bottom.

You're gonna put your hand where?! - muppets

What's 100 ft long and has 21 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Kentucky State Fair.

Me: *please don't say toodles please don't say toodles please don't say toodles

Coworker: I'm leaving now. Toodles!!

Me:* sigh *loads gun

I make it a point to tell every hipster I meet that I think their clothes are super cool so they continually have to buy a new outfit.

These "mind over matter" people that walk on red hot coals - so what?
Try replacing them with a 750 pc Lego set.
Then I'll be impressed.

Twitter is where phone batteries go to die.

If ignorance is bliss then I'm stuck in traffic behind the happiest person alive.

Twitter: where everyone is addicted to either caffeine, bacon or alcohol, and hates wearing pants.

My Indian name is Dances With Little Debbie.

Cap'n Crunch is basically just sweetened Legos.

Baby Got Bach

- 1700's rapper

Every time you see a married guy standing outside a dressing room holding a purse, a hole appears in the testosterozone layer.

Wife was ranting bout EVERYTHING this morning. I shoved a Snickers in her mouth bc she "needed a moment"
It didn't work like the commercial.

Million dollar idea:

A keg, but for pudding