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"I bet ninjas pour EXACTLY the right amount of milk in the cereal bowl every time" -things I'm thinking while watching The Notebook with you
If someone asks what you’re doing today, grab a knife & yell "SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!" Sounds way cooler than "Napping!"
What stage of grief is it when you lie naked in the forest and wait for rabid badgers to eat your liver? Acceptance? Feels like acceptance.
A good way to make your coworkers think you're super productive is to shout "TAH DAH!!!" in your cubicle every 20 or 30 minutes.
My son is just growing up so fast! He’s actually older than me now. It’s really creepy.
Just saw a bald white guy walking around with no goatee like we were in the future or something.
Just had one of those romcom moments where I was so mad at this jammed printer that I screamed at it until we suddenly began making out.
Fun Fact: Your dad will never love you until you can give driving directions using "east/west" instead of "turn left/right."
Thinking of getting cat whiskers tattooed on my face, so when I walk around with Bugles on my finger tips it will make sense to people.
I feel like at any given time there's a 50% chance Tom Cruise is screaming "C'MON! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!" in a bathroom mirror somewhere.
Which of the 7 habits of highly effective people is it where you spend all morning clapping along to YouTube videos of "Dueling Banjos"?
You might think the pencilfish is mightier than the swordfish, but no. Perhaps we will never understand this mystery we call "the sea"
My resume is just the words "please love me" scrawled on a cocktail napkin & tied to a brick that I throw through the window of a Papa Johns
"Well it's Hammer time somewhere, right?" He laughed nervously, but the stony faces at the fashion intervention stared back in grim silence.
My 401K works like 1 of those machines that you put 2 quarters in, turn the crank, & it gives you back a smashed penny with a mermaid on it.
95% of the slightly to moderately depressing parts of my life occurred while I was wearing a name tag.
If your problem can’t be solved by me pretending to crack an invisible egg on your head, don’t even bother talking to me about it.
My LinkedIn profile just says:
•Chased by bees 2011-2013
OMG JUST FINISHED A PACK OF HOTDOGS AT THE SAME TIME I FINISHED A PACK OF BUNS & NOW I’M LEVITATING UP TO HEAVEN TO THE SLOW CLAP OF ANGELS.
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL, "CINNAMON" GUM? I'VE HAD PASTRIES, YOU KNOW. I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
Man of Science. I can perform cold fusion or alien autopsies with equal aplomb.