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"I bet ninjas pour EXACTLY the right amount of milk in the cereal bowl every time" -things I'm thinking while watching The Notebook with you
What stage of grief is it when you lie naked in the forest and wait for rabid badgers to eat your liver? Acceptance? Feels like acceptance.
If someone asks what you’re doing today, grab a knife & yell "SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!" Sounds way cooler than "Napping!"
Just saw a bald white guy walking around with no goatee like we were in the future or something.
A good way to make your coworkers think you're super productive is to shout "TAH DAH!!!" in your cubicle every 20 or 30 minutes.
My son is just growing up so fast! He’s actually older than me now. It’s really creepy.
My resume is just the words "please love me" scrawled on a cocktail napkin & tied to a brick that I throw through the window of a Papa Johns
Fun Fact: Your dad will never love you until you can give driving directions using "east/west" instead of "turn left/right."
Just had one of those romcom moments where I was so mad at this jammed printer that I screamed at it until we suddenly began making out.
Thinking of getting cat whiskers tattooed on my face, so when I walk around with Bugles on my finger tips it will make sense to people.
My 401K works like 1 of those machines that you put 2 quarters in, turn the crank, & it gives you back a smashed penny with a mermaid on it.
You might think the pencilfish is mightier than the swordfish, but no. Perhaps we will never understand this mystery we call "the sea"
I feel like at any given time there's a 50% chance Tom Cruise is screaming "C'MON! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!" in a bathroom mirror somewhere.
OMG JUST FINISHED A PACK OF HOTDOGS AT THE SAME TIME I FINISHED A PACK OF BUNS & NOW I’M LEVITATING UP TO HEAVEN TO THE SLOW CLAP OF ANGELS.
Which of the 7 habits of highly effective people is it where you spend all morning clapping along to YouTube videos of "Dueling Banjos"?
The perfect date is when she glances over, gets lost in my eyes, & has no idea I've been stealing waffle fries off her plate for last 20 min
My LinkedIn profile just says:
•Chased by bees 2011-2013
Hey haters. Guess whose call is important and will be answered in the order it was received.
95% of the slightly to moderately depressing parts of my life occurred while I was wearing a name tag.
Banjo music always sounds like it’s being played by someone who really needs to pee.
Man of Science. I can perform cold fusion or alien autopsies with equal aplomb.