Does fantasy football really exist? If so, then they should change the name to people pretending to play football.

In Atlanta news: A woman was attacked in her home and fondled. The suspect was intrusive, but playful...

OMG! OMG! OMG! I did it! I got the knot out of the yoyo string!! I totally rule.

I don't like watching films or tv shows which include vomiting, or pottily functions. Some things should just be kept secrete.

I have a love-hate relationship with the word paradoxical.

I'm starting a fantasy diet club and you're all invited! (Bring food and wine)

Dear Sweetie, If ur awake, call me. If ur asleep, then wake up & call me, bc I'm waiting here by the phone like a jerk. <3 Me.

Term of the day: Toilet hostage : When mommy goes in the bathroom and the rest of world lines up outside for thru-door conversations.

That's right boys, I'm bringing husky back... To the yard... For a milkshake. Wait, I may be confused.

Dontchu wish your girlfriend was a bot like me...

Pajama day is the poor woman's spa day.

Apparently, mommy laughing hysterically IS the punishment for a 5 yo saying "dammit!" in our house. #badmom

I can't help you if you have no sense of humor.

Road ragers are getting out of church now.

After watching 8yo whack the flashlight on the ground repeatedly, I ask her what she's doing. Her answer "Im fixing it like Daddy does."

Seriously? How long can Betty work for a high profile fashion magazine and still be ugly?

I've forgotten where I put my husband.

I sometimes let my younger-than13yo-children watch movies rated PG13, so that when they grow up, they can criticize my parenting skills

One thing that is seriously f'd up about America is that they make it so cheap to get fat and so expensive to get back. #capitalism

After talking for an hour straight (no lie), my sister has the nerve to add "to make a long story short..." Whatever...