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my new years resolution is to appear to be a better person
losing a twitter follower because of an abortion tweet is like losing a baby you wanted to get rid of anyway
it's weird to see a windowless white van with four missing children's posters on it because now it just looks like he's bragging
college football players, for future reference the only thing we want to know about your sex lives is that they are consensual
what if the color pink actually causes breast cancer?
2013 least popular baby name: Dzhokhar
sometimes when I say "I like your tattoo" it really just means "I noticed you noticing me stare in horror at your permanent life choice"
my heart goes out to organ donors
where on the autism spectrum is being German?
flowers are a nice way of saying "I want to have sex with you"
youth hostels are like the warm up acts to half way houses
it seems as if these high school rapists keep getting younger while I stay the same age
why is there not yet a love song called "You Make Me Act Like a Retard"?
Ann Romney looks great for her age, maybe I should never work #RNC
just realized that I've never actually called someone "my boyfriend" but I have referred to a few people as "my ex-boyfriend"
even the bodega guy knows the AAA batteries I'm stockpiling aren't for a flashlight
stand up comic, former letterman writer, current producer at the daily show with jon stewart