Omg I need some asian cock now!-no woman ever

Most the time I feel like I should be wearing a condom while I scroll down my timeline.

I just can't handle my xanax like I used to. Or..maybe I've been roofied. If that's the case then I'm pissed bc I've been horny as hell.

*stomps feet* no one ever kidnaps me to make me a vampire!!!!

I'm not wearing any panties! Weeee

Guys. do you find it hard to get laid? Buy an ice cream truck! Chicks love ice cream. Especially chubby and/or insecure ones. You're welcome

"I hate my vibrator. It just gets me off too hard and too fast."-no woman EVER

If my vagina could tweet it'd probably say, "I don't give a fuck how cool you are on the internet. Id still rather fuck Bob Saget"

I wonder how man guys John Travolta blew in the 80s

I forget I'm mexican. then I catch myself watchin Elizabethtown, sobbing, next to my two kids under 4&shoving bean dip/fritos in my mouth.

I miss sex

Do these gential warts make my ass look fat??

When I want to feel classy, I wear pantyhose while I smoke my weed.

I ate a fish taco at Long John Silver's once. I had the shits for DAYS. That's the last time I take her out again.

Apparently I've started channeling some pervy 70 year old guy who tricks you into sittin on their lap tonight.

Is there some lesbian corner of Twitter that I havent found yet? Where are they all hiding?! IM LOOKING FOR HOT WOMEN TO SEND ME TIT PICS!

Everytime someone retweets me its usually when I mention my vagina. IDK if that means ppl love MY vagina or ppl just love vagina tweets

Almost all of you bitches on Twitter are a tease!

Most my friends are guys bc chicks have 2 much drama & I don't have time to be waiting hrs for them to get ready when there's beer to drink!

*sigh* i need to go back to the 90s when being an adult meant smoking weed, flannel shirts, mountain dew, and doc martins