What's the name of that game where you order delivery then try to masturbate before it arrives? Is it Sadness? It's Sadness, isn't it?

Before I enter any Internet argument, I mentally try to explain it to my grandfather who also fought in WW2. Works most times.

"I'm pretty proud of this Tweet," said the man whose ancestors built houses and killed things for food.

"Teen Mom" would be a lot better if it was about Michael J. Fox occasionally turning into a middle-aged woman who is good at basketball.

Who just wants a show where Arya and Tywin open a bar in the Lower East Side together?

DATING PRO-TIP: When a girl accepts your friend request, instantly "Like" every single one of her photos. #pro-tip #sealingthedeal

"Werewolf? More like a where-is-he-wolf. Girl, you need a man who stands by you. Halleluyer!" -Madea in Vampire Diaries of a Mad Black Woman

The most important part of any fake Twitter is really nailing down the voice of the characters: http://t.co/qcmcmwIO

"I totally understand Morrisey, Van Morrison, and Jim Morrison are three different people." -Lies I told in high school and also kinda now

My self-confidence is a house of cards built around never having a football thrown in my general direction.

The ratio of effort to deliciousness in creating a grilled cheese disproves most laws of physics.

I finally learned how to spell Zach Glafinakisnis' last name without looking it up.

If anybody needs a fake or also real country music song title, I'm happy to negotiate the sale of "Whisk(y) Me Away From Here"

"DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED" "why yes thank you" *Nicholson takes Mountain Dew from Tom Cruise* #neverapologize #goodnight

I was looking for a place to stay in New York, and @kevincorrigan taught me the meaning of friendship pic.twitter.com/J6RgGC9z

That college intern did an awesome job warming up Joe Biden for the real debate.

My brother makes an accurate guess re: the content of my Google+ Hangout. http://t.co/LMYiBPIk

My favorite sub-genre of literature is transparently self-edited Wikipedia pages.

If I feel, simultaneously, sensations of victory and self-loathing, I just finished either masturbating or writing something.

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." -Oscar Wilde / "Fuck you, Dad." - Experience Wilde