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Insomnia is the easiest way to be worse than a baby at something.
What's the name of that game where you order delivery then try to masturbate before it arrives? Is it Sadness? It's Sadness, isn't it?
Biggest fear: Someone shines a blacklight around my apartment but instead of gross stains it shows weird dances I've done.
Before I enter any Internet argument, I mentally try to explain it to my grandfather who also fought in WW2. Works most times.
Zooey Deschanel and Mama from Honey Boo Boo are the same age.
Oh no Kanye and Kim gave their baby a weird name it was going to be such a well-adjusted human otherwise.
Best "The Disaster Artist" revelation: Tommy Wiseau named Mark after that very famous all-American actor, Mark Damon
ERBODY PUT YA HANDS UP IF THE MOVIE HOCUS POCUS TAUGHT YOU WHAT A VIRGIN IS
BuzzFeed's Top 50 Comedians Most Likely To Post This List On All Their Social Media
"I'm pretty proud of this Tweet," said the man whose ancestors built houses and killed things for food.
Good news, peers: we still look younger than the cast of "Can't Hardly Wait."
The least sympathetic sentence, scientifically, is "Aw, I broke my iPad with my lacrosse stick."
The most inevitable phrase in modern cinema was "and Josh Gad as the voice of the snowman."
hey here's a game to make you not touch your phone at dinner its called being a goddam adult *takes a drag on cigarette* *coughs for hours*
For someone who's not secretly a lizard person I spend way too much time in meetings worrying if I'm blinking the correct human amount.
Sometimes in social situations I don't know what to do with my hands or entire rest of my life.
"Teen Mom" would be a lot better if it was about Michael J. Fox occasionally turning into a middle-aged woman who is good at basketball.
VO actor nixed a line in my script because "the Internet will Photoshop dicks flying at my mouth." So yeah gonna win that Emmy any day now.
I didn't think people could parse age in a disconcerting way to me any more but COLLEGE STUDENTS FINISHED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN 2006.
I write down words for money which I then exchange for goods, services, and grilled cheese sandwiches.