If you love something let it go. If it comes back, maybe you love a boomerang.

The biggest difference between a shower and a bath is when to stop peeing.

I want to feel included and be left alone.

My new safe word is my husband's mom's name, but I haven't told him, yet. I want it to be a surprise.

I'm not a cutter, but I do sometimes eat Cap'n Crunch until the roof of my mouth bleeds.

The really neat thing about the internet is how it feels like everyone likes you and hates you at the same time.

This "no more tears" formula shampoo sure isn't helping my depression.

My husband and I both agree that we hope his next wife is much nicer to him.

The kid in me loves the frosted side. The adult in me wonders why both sides aren't frosted.

If nobody likes you, try being a turtle. Everyone likes turtles.

They lived happily ever after, until they got married. He never wanted to talk; she never wanted to have sex. Years later, death. The end.

Does the saying go: Wine before coffee, fine as toffee? Whatever. I'm doing it.

Applying make up on one side of your face and then folding your face in half is an instant morning timesaver.

Sallie Mae has upgraded my Bachelor of Fine Art to a Master of Incurring Debt.

I'm no theology expert, but The Father, Son, & Holy Spirit sounds a little bit like Two & a Half Men.

When other people have ideas, it's so creative, but when I have an idea, everyone is like, "That's the plot to Back to the Future."

RT if you think you're funny and/or clever, but you're really not.

Why is it that we dog on a catwalk and cat in a dog park? It just doesn't make any sense.

We are all instagramming different parts of the same sky.

Gazing into his eyes, she whispered, "Promise me you'll always love me for the kind of music I'm into." And they lived happily ever after.