Oh god... I just realized that when Tom Cruise dies everyone will tweet "You complete me."

I hope I go first.

So many of my nastiest dirty looks are wasted on my rear view mirror.

Have a job interview today. Have managed to put on a bra and sweatpants. So far, I'm knocking this one out of the park.

Starring tweets is the new
"Do you like me?
Yes.
No.
Circle one."

I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

Bouncer: Can you still stand on one foot now?
Me, standing on one foot like a champ: Dude, I'm freakin Irish.
Bouncer: You're okay then.

Just saw a touching father/daughter reunion at Grand Central. At least I thought it was, until they started kissing inappropriately. #Unsee

Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been canceled.

I'm just gonna put this out on the table.

I will become a lesbian for Beyonce.

Your move, Beyonce.

Note to predators: If you're at a house to meet a 15 year old girl and there's a plate of cookies on the table, you're in trouble.

Saw a pride of FedEx trucks this morning. They were so majestic.

Me (just noticing): "Why do you have one sock on and one sock off?"
Him: "Listen, I'm a complicated man. Don't try to get into my head."

I would like to hire someone else to dress me.

The girl I have doing it now has no idea what she's doing.

An old guy who thought he was alone farted coming out of the bathroom at the Hyatt.

Hey, old guy! You made it to Twitter!

Catching up on twitter in bed is the new "reading a book".

A friend made me look at Facebook today. I was promptly reminded why I sometimes wish Al Gore had never invented the Internet.

Guess I'll head to the gym, then. If I can't be employed, I might as well at least try to look good.

After all, no pants most of the time.

I have a phone interview in 10 minutes. There's nothing worse than phone interviews. How will they ever know how gorgeous I am?

As they say, tomorrow is another day...

But that's what they said about today, too.

#liars

Pillow talk in 2009:
"I wanna read but the light will probably bother you."
"No, it won't."
"Okay, I'll read until my Xanax kicks in."