@jenfunkyjen's most faved Tweets...
The cashier at the liquor store wished me a good weekend... How cute that she doesn't think that I'll be back tomorrow.
Every time I go outside to smoke a part of me dies. Not the part that wants to keep smoking, though.
Going to find out if the gym still exists. loljk I know it still exists cause I drive by every day on my way to Taco Bell.
I started a food journal but instead of writing down what I eat I just write about how much I hate my coworkers.
My roommate left for a three week business trip today, which means I am charged with the daunting task of letting his plants die.
The only thing I miss about college is that back then it was acceptable to be drunk on a Monday afternoon, and now I have to hide it.
Today I discovered that if my blowdryer is on, my roommates will leave me alone.
So in short, I just masturbated for 3 hours & blew a fuse.
So in short, I just masturbated for 3 hours & blew a fuse.
To the 8 year old who just watched me clean out my car: stay in school & someday you, too, can have a Cavalier full of empty beer cans.
Just spent 30 minutes constructing a perfect taco world in my head. I skied on sour cream and swam in salsa. So, yeah, I'm high as shit.
I've always excelled at mathematics and struggled in English. Must be because fractions speak louder than verbs.
My grocery cart right now says "fuck yeah I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."
My beer breath may send the message "terminate employment", but this cleavage is screaming "give me a raise".
Some days you're the unicorn, some days you're the middle-aged woman with unicorn shit in your apartment.
Whenever I take my car in for repairs it begins with the mechanic saying "I can't believe you're still alive." That's bad right?
Male roommate gets Playboy. Female roommate gets Star. I get Time. Guess who's a pretentious bastard who never reads their own subscription?
Just watched either a Lady Gaga video or a Spanish soap opera on youtube. Either way I need to take way more drugs before doing that again.
I love my bed so much I want to marry it. I want to commit to it for a lifetime. I want to engage in holy mattressimony with it.
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