smh if you dont imagine a sassy platypus when someone says the word platitude

Twitter is a different tool for different pp. For some twitter is like a hammer. For others its a sword. But for most people it is a dildo.

my platitudes bring all the boys to the yard and im like "everything happens for a reason"

gave all the candy to the richest kid in the neighborhood, hopin he figures how to make it trickle down to the other kids.

DEATH IS CERTAIN SO EAT HELLA SNACKS

BABIES ARE IDIOTS AND IF YOUR BABY IS DUMB ENOUGH TO GET SNATCHED BY A HUGEASS EAGLE THEN MAYBE ITS FOR THE BEST

The Swimming Trials?? This is easy. they are all guilty of swim.

fun idea for graffiti: go around town finding good graffiti and putting a RT: in front of it.

i want a goverment so small it has tiny hands to stick inside my uterus and tell me what to do with it

whats the point of having a baby if it isnt to feed the vastly superior eagles. are YOUR feet made of knives? can you fly? No. you suck.

its like jesus said to judas "Why hath thou retweeted me, you don't even follow me"

do not go gentle into that good night. go hard in the paint, tho.

when you think a cat is ignoring you by facing away from you, it is actually looking at you with its mystical 3rd eye (butthole)

if you want to know what is wrong with humanity, read the comments on any article on any website at any time

Halpert Shrugged, by Pam Rand

a baby: You Can Put a Hat On It. a fetus: You Cannot Put a Hat on It

i made a quantum milkshake and it brought all of the boys to all my possible yards???

its MY wedding and if i want my cake to say FUCK THE POLICE then thats what Im having!!!!

did an eagle hang out at its nest fuming about a pitchfork end of year list? no! it attempted to eat a human baby. eagle superiority.

dude why dont you grow a pear