My daughter came into the bathroom to ask for a cupcake. I sd yes, if you can identify my lunch by smelling my poop. Mom of the year.

Hey guy with neon pink rims, your gayness is blinding me.

I told my kids i'm leaving ... on a midnight train goin anywhere. They started sobbing. I love torturing them.

The most amazing thing happened! I didnt drink last night, made it to work early with no headache. I know right??!! Who knew?

Took the kids to chuck e cheese. We ran out of tokens so I danced sexually with chuckie until dads threw tokens and cheered. P.I.M.P

I like to stop using Twitter for a month and then come back and scream, I'm back bitches! And then nobody cares and I cry.

Daughter is learning compound words. Unfortunately douchebag is a frowny face & a call from the principal. 

Took my kids to story time at the library. I was the one in the back with vodka in my sippy cup heckling the librarians.

@gordbombay I must admit I love you. The perfect mix of sentiment and humour. Cheers to you!

Watching the moon rise.
Yeah I'm lonely...fuck you!

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids .... but I still wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the uterus until it didn't work.

My brother just told me he is going to a nudist camp this weekend, your personal hell has just been invalidated.

I live in a completely sadistic, demoral country run by hypocrites. Ppl are judged not by accomplishments but by dick pics and bj's.

Payday. Bills paid, check. Alcohol stock replenished, check. Fuck, not enough to buy groceries . . .oh well. Hope those fuckers like vodka.

Overhearing my mom talk to my 27 yr old brother who lives in the garage, saying Yay, repeatedly invalidates my existence on this planet.

@robfee Someone Like You - Adele

My 6 yr old jumps on my chest & yells I love boonies, I see rapist in his future.

Bachman's Nesweek cover looks like she just ate the souls of 1,000 gay people.

Nothing makes me more homicidal than standing in a long line at the bank while wearing heels.

Ran out of meds, so subbed with alcohol last night. Posted some great tweets...on fb. What a fucking waste.