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If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I probably mumble "are you fucking serious?" to myself about 87 times a day.
Watching The Walking Dead and I caught myself yelling at the zombies to "get the fat guy!" while my mouth was full of cheetos.
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
A Mexican midget is called a paragraph because he's too short to be called an essay.
You can't save a damsel if she loves her distress.
I have no problem admitting I'm wrong but thank god that never happens.
I limited myself to 1 alcoholic beverage a day. Right now, I'm about 2 weeks ahead of schedule.
Twitter: where everyone talks about the zombie apocalypse and saving the world but 90% of you are scared of spiders.
My bf bought me a mood ring the other day. When it turns green, I am happy. When I am mad, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
People who unfollow you cuz they're offended by your tweets are probably the same people who reminded the teacher about homework in school.
Just trimmed 2 yr olds bangs. If anyone wants a haircut like Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber let me know.
A stork might bring you a baby but a swallow never will!
Writing a tweet then deleting it fast feels like tripping in a crowded place then getting up real fast & looking around to see who saw you.
I wish some of my co workers weren't allowed in the break room... Because that's who I usually need a break from.
I went line dancing last night!
Ok, it was a road side sobriety test. Same thing.
The only reason I turn on the tv is so its not quiet & lonely when I'm on twitter.
Can you put me on your list of things to do?
I would love to buy a 17th century castle!
Too bad I'm baroque.
Guys who watch tv with a hand down their pants, I get it. It's fucking cozy down there.