Women who pretend to like football are the same women who pretend to be on birth control.

There are really only two things that matter in life: treating others with respect, & having a cuter face than whoever your ex is fucking.

Here's the thing, no gold medal is worth not having boobs.

Attention men: Any text you receive from a woman was actually composed by a minimum of three women.

If u need a weapon that fires 30 rounds of ammunition per pop to kill ANYTHING you're not a hunter you're a douchebag.

Remember, behind every crazy woman, there's an even more batshit mother.

Nothing bonds two women faster than giving them a third woman to hate.

I wish instead of reading "it's complicated" people's relationship statuses just said " I'm fucking a guy who won't call me his girlfriend"

I don't rely on scales to inform me I've gained weight. I just wait for a black guy to tell me I look hot.

A bedazzled cellphone is a great way to let people know guys cum in your face.

" You should date black guys" - how girls tell each other they're fat

Wanna start a fight with a woman? Tell her to calm down.

My favorite thing to do at parties is leave them.

"Here's the deal, everything's bad, everyone hates us, we're all gonna die... Oh, and it might rain" - The News

I still don't get why guys don't blot their penis tips after peeing.

I was kicked off Instagram for this picture of my finger dick!!! #fuckyouinstagram http://t.co/L7muh4TN

Isn't not having a baby so relaxing?

The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

You're not technically in a relationship with someone until they've seen you binge eat.

People that write "Nom, Nom" in reference to food deserve to be bludgeoned to death with their own tongues.