Dad says my tomb will read:"an irresponsible girl" and I think "If I was on fire I'd have dropped that child too.." has a lovely ring to it.

Condoms are so not totally safe! A friend of mine was wearing one and a hooker stabbed him six times!

Now that cooler weather is here, it's acceptable to leave infants in the car without even rolling down the windows!

When someone makes me really mad I take a deep breath, count to ten, and kill them immediately.

The internet connection goes out more than I do.

If people are trying to bring you down, it just means that you are above them. Pee a little.

Valentines day is cancelled!
Proof: 14-02-12 = 0.
#dorkproof

Someone unfollowed me, and then DM me that he will follow back for 5 RT's. IS THAT A TWITTER RANSOM OR SOMETHING?? eat a dick bro

Cats being so loud!! dipped her paws in peanut butter....sweet sweet silence.. I am the Macgyver of SHUT THE F^CK UP

thinks its perfectly reasonable to beat up an old lady, If she really had it coming. Or you're at Costco.

Checkout girl: "will that be everything?" Me: "no, I also want all this invisible stuff in my basket"

Don't you hate it when people you don't know add you to facebook? Or people you just met, or have known your whole life.

Looks like mitts plans were aborted.

Working in a town called Sparta today.......if the opportunity to kick someone in the chest fails to present itself, I will be sad.

My landlord controls my heat. I see he's chosen a hellish inferno motif this year.

No animals were harmed in the filming of this movie that contained no animals.

If at first you don't succeed, maybe you're just a fuck up.

Bf asked if twitter was like Facebook without pictures. I said its the Facebook you pray your family doesn't find.

Yelled at the cat for ten mins to get off the counter before I realized it was a loaf of bread behind a hat. Sleep deprivation.

Drank my face off last night, woke up, feel totally fine?!! Did I die?