What a debacle. I had too many white russians at the bar last night. Then my serbian friends got jealous and tore up the place.

I never know how to transition back to greeting my neighbors at their door once their 2 dogs are finished clamdiving and ramrodding my ass.

When ordering at the Taco Bell drivethru, I noticed a homeless man showering his junk with a hose. He caught me and winked. That's hot.

Please hurry up and flush the toilet in your stall so the sound can cover up this impending blast out of my ass.

I'm so excited. I have a hot date tomorrow night. You know, that kind of date that warrants a second pass with the washcloth.

I wonder if the three-date rule still applies? I will follow it, but, it's a little awkward trying to get all three in the back seat with me

When I think I have too many Facebook friends, I just copy and paste one of my tweets to my fb newsfeed and it instantly thins the herd.

Girls, why spend hundreds on makeup, sexy clothes, and perfume looking for Mr. Right when you can just eat a banana at the grocery store?

Apparently most people suddenly lose their peripheral vision when another person wants to merge into their lane of traffic.

Ok, homeless man on the corner. I know you're faking, and today I'm going to win your staring game. Damn, you're good. Maybe tomorrow.

I'd probably go camping with you more often if you used clean socks for the coffee.

I'm in Vegas, and it's 130 degrees in the sun. This place is hell on so many levels.

Some new neighbors are moving in today. I wonder if it's too early to borrow rent money.

Wishing you all a Happy Independence Day! Now don't drink too much or you'll end up married again.

The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back. But it still haunts me

Me, oh, just about to rub one out before I pee. Feels the best then. And it sure passes the time in this waiting line.

I don't care what you say, balloon man. All the balloons you made for the kids look like dicks and balls to me.

Apparently disclosing that you are an unsuccessful bulimic on eharmony gets you a shitload of matches.

I heard they are still looking for the CVS drug store groper. Oh, will you look at that. I'm low on tictacs and attention. brb

I can't believe I got stood up again last night. How rude. If he wanted me to get off him, he could have just asked.