Just dropped a peice of string cheese down my shirt. Seems to have been absorbed by my breasts..... Well....atleast it didn't go to my ass.

After applying anti-zit cream, wrinkle reducer, & revitizing eye gel.... I'm pretty sure I look like a Zulu warrior.

Now playing a game of "how many fries can i steal from the kids before they notice". Cuz I didn't order any of that shit. It's bad for you.

According to my 5 yr old women w large boobs are a species unto themselves: Boobians. I have begged him not to tell his teacher this.....

Being a mom is sooo stressfull. I'm always worried the neighbors will hear the kids calling from the crawl space.

As I chew this taffy I just realized why my husband always buy's me taffy. Strengthen my jaw muscles. Sneaky bastard!

Sometimes the question of "what to do first?" is just too much. So I tweet...

Shit I am out of grown up healthy cereal. Having Coca Puffs w the kids..... no fucking wonder they are happy in the morning.

I tweet, therefore I have nothing better to do.

Woke up, got on treadmill... I think I'll start saving for lipo. This is stupid.

I am married, therefore I have a poor sex deprived husband lurking & waiting 4 the slightest inclination I could b horny. That's how I know.

When the doc told me, I'm pretty sure I heard an audible sigh of relief from my VaJayjay.

Damn... I got a star last night & there's a fucking typo ruining it.... (yes, "A" star... It's all relative, I'm f'n excited!)

I was just about to recommend this lady shave those sideburns, she wouldn't look that bad, then he spoke. Ooops

I spent the morning building houses out of corks w my 5 yr and I liked it. Call me lame, I don't mind.

I should've been an astronaut. Can you think of a better napping atmosphere, weightless, climate control, nothing to do but hang. I'm tired.

I think the glare off my computer screen is giving me wrinkles...

He's afraid he'll be cut off if tells me to "get my fat ass out of bed".... And rightfully so... Yet I need him to say it.

How the hell do you enforce a dress code that says "make-up must be minimal"?? WTH?

I'm going to sleep good with all this warm liquid in my tummy... Yumm. (SOUP you disgusting pig)